December 10, 2012

This Season

I noticed last week that it was finally fall.  In some magical turn of events the trees have started to change its leaves of green to golden hues and vibrant amber and even some in delicious scarlet red.  The streets are lined with crunchy pieces of fall and the skies were the familiar gray of Autumn that somehow soothes my soul.  And in December no  less.

That's how it happens here in South Texas I just so recently learned.  While for so many other parts of the country fall begins in September, we wait and wait and wait and December finally ushers in a change of weather.  What is winter to most is our autumn.

Waiting.  That feels like the story of my life. 

I captured a bit of fall on Saturday afternoon though.  It was right there in my Gramma's front yard.
It got me thinking about seasons - and so did the rest of my weekend.  I can't seem to shake the "blues" and I think perhaps I've just surrendered to it.  I'm not depressed and it's not a darkness that's hovering over me - I know enough now to recognize the difference.  But I just feel a little sad - tears come easily.  And I've quit trying to figure out if it's pregnancy related or if it's a compilation of disappointments. This season is just where I am.  I'm tender and sad and lonely.  And maybe it's okay to not have to try and snap out of it or try and make myself "better" somehow.

I've been curious about how I might find Jesus in this season, especially since it's Christmastime.  Where is He in this slower paced Christmas?  Where is He in my loneliness?  Where is His beauty in this season? Where is He in all my feelings of being left out and forgotten?  Where is He in my waiting?  I may not find all the answers to my questions, but I'm seeking and that's probably what matters most.

Yesterday afternoon, I took a few moments to rest in my husband's arms.  The place where I feel small and safe and cared for.  He has the best arms and the best love and he is everything I need.  And I cried because this season I've found myself in feels hard and I'm scared that the next season will be worse.  Because I remember the extreme loneliness that those first several months of motherhood brings because a baby changes everything.  And that was perhaps even harder than the sleepless nights.  And his arms didn't change anything about any season, but they comforted me in the midst of this one.

I know that no season lasts forever.  Before I know it, the trees will be bright and green with newness.  My new bundle of boy will be in his footed sleepers and resting in my arms and I will be celebrating this new life and miracle that God gifted us with.  Another birthday for me will have come and gone and wildflowers will grace our Texas highways in blue and red and violet.  Spring is inevitable - it will come regardless of Mayan calendars and fiscal cliffs and how many more tears that need crying in this December autumn.

When I drove away from my Gramma's house on Saturday afternoon, beautiful yellow leaves had collected on my windshield.  As I drove away I let them slip off into the wind and watched as they floated away.  Something about it was breathtakingly beautiful.

And all I could do was thank God that He had given me the heart to notice such beauty in this season. 


  1. I noticed all the fall color on Saturday, too...and asked Adam to remind me next year that we WILL see a change of colors, just later than everyone else!

    And in terms of a second baby, I hope (for your sake) that Jacob is an amazing sleeper. Kate napped so much those first few months...I totally missed that phase with Addie when she was in the NICU. Our experience has been that the second baby fits into the family plans a lot easier. Praying that you will experience a great season of joy and not loneliness!

  2. You have this way of expressing yourself that I absolutely love. You are such an incredible writer.

    I'm also thinking and praying for you during this time. It sometimes is hard to understand feelings that you're having but sometimes just writing things down help in a big way. You also have the biggest Comforter in your court. All will be well.

  3. Chrissy HarwellDecember 10, 2012

    Jenn, you write beautifully.

    Thanks for being real and sharing.
    It's nice to see someone truly appreciate life, the good times along with the no so good times.

    I hope you have a beautiful holiday season and an amazing new year with your family.