Ready and Waiting

Todd has been driving home since yesterday.  He's almost made it back to Texas and is still a good eight hours away, but knowing that he's closer to me than he was yesterday fills me with the kind of security that only having your husband close can give you.

I am about to head off to a doctor's appointment this morning which for some reason, I've had the gut feeling all week that this would be the one that would admit me to the hospital.  Even though things are scheduled for Tuesday, I've just had this feeling that the things that have been messing with my blood pressure would be more complicated.  I'm packing my bag as if I'll be staying in the hospital tonight.  And my feeling could be totally wrong, but at least I'm ready.  I've felt like I've had to be prepared for anything this time.  And I can't help it seeing as I remember very well how things went the first time.

As we've moved closer and closer to the day that we are going to welcome our second son in to our lives, I keep thinking about Tommy's arrival.  About the disappointment and heartbreak and joy that surrounded every moment of his birth and entrance into the world.  It didn't look how I had hoped. He had a minor issue with one of his lungs and it landed him in the NICU for eight days.  And though his time there was short, it was still difficult to go through.

After he was whisked out of the surgery room where I had an emergency c-section, the next time I saw him, he was covered in tape and tubes and IV's.  Even though I knew he was okay and would be okay, it wasn't how I had envisioned to see my baby, my firstborn.

The first time I held him will always be unforgettable.  Even though I was makeupless and unshowered and an emotional wreck, I asked Todd to take a picture and capture the moment that I first met my son and held him in my arms.  Two days later I finally got to feel his skin and kiss him all over.   Oh the tears that come thinking about these moments.

We have no idea what is in store for us over the next several days.  Of course I hope that Jacob won't be born with the complications that Tommy did - that he will be healthy and thriving and not have a need for extra care in the NICU.  That we get to all go home all together as a family rather than having to go home without my son, or him without me.  But whatever happens will happen and be as it ought to.  I only know that I have peace about all of it.  I know God loves and cares for us regardless of disappointment and heartbreak.

As I sit here with my healthy, smart, chatty three year old, I am reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness in all things.  That He creates life and gives good gifts because He is a very good God.  I remember what it was like to wonder if "mommy" was a role that God had in store for me.  And He did. 

Very much looking forward to becoming a mommy all over again. 

It's time baby...I can't wait to meet you son.