March 27, 2013

For Sale

They say home is where the heart is.  Home is where your story begins.  Home sweet home.  My heart is definitely here.

When we bought our home over four years ago now, I didn't think it would even be possible.  When we found out we were expecting our first child we knew we needed a bigger space and longed to leave apartment living behind.  Todd began the search and to our surprise, we not only found a house that we loved, but we qualified to purchase it - a dream that neither of us thought we would ever see become a reality.

I remember walking in the first time - it felt like home is supposed to feel.  It was open and spacious.  I loved the kitchen and was immediately able to envision dinners around the table and where the Christmas tree would go and how I would place the furniture.  I remember sitting on the kitchen counter, holding my husbands hands and praying, asking God that if this was what He had for us, that He would make a way.  That we could call this lovely place our home.

And it was what He had in mind.  We qualified, closed easily and moved in Valentine's Day weekend of 2009. 

Oh, my home.  I have loved this place.  It has been everything I wanted our first place to be.  Warm, inviting, bright, and spacious.  It holds so many memories, so many faces that have entered our place for fellowship and parties, for prayer and tears, for Bible study, for meals and barbecues.
As I sit here and type, I write with a ball in my throat and tears streaming down my face.  Our realtor is due to arrive in the next half hour to take pictures, put the sign up in the yard and officially list our home to sell. 

At the moment, I feel as though I am the epitome of ambivalence.  I am excited and so ready for this North Dakota adventure.  So anxious to begin this process in hopes of the sooner that the house sells, the sooner we can be together and be a family again.  And I ache and cry and am so, so sad.  To leave this place, our first home, this beautiful place that I've decorated and dwelt in and that has been my shelter and place of comfort for four years - it will soon belong to someone else.  As much as I'm excited about the future, I am just as heartbroken.
The other day, I spent the evening putting bubble wrap over all of my family photos that I had hanging on our living room wall and putting into boxes.  Tears came easily as I thought how the next time I saw these would be when I was unpacking in a new place up north.  I remembered bubble-wrapping my friend's things when they made their move not that long ago and how hard it felt to pack away her memories and how much I would miss her, even wishing it was us that was going.  I remember wondering then if we would ever know that kind of change where we would be uprooted and taken on a big adventure like moving out of the state. 
Needless to say, it feels a bit surreal to be here - to be the ones that will be leaving and saying goodbye. To be the ones that God is moving and changing. 
That's the exciting part really.  To look back on the almost seven years that we have shared our life together and see where God has been moving us.  Even when we felt as though we were stuck and standing still, He was at work, going before us and preparing a way for the more and the change we were so craving.  All of this - the timing, the job, the place, the everything - has had God's handiwork and fingerprints all over it.  As we have taken one step at a time with all of this, He continues to make it clear that North Dakota is what He has in store for us.
But with adventure and change comes loss and grief.  There is so much to leave behind.  The very rooms of our home, the place we have done life together, cried together, prayed together, made love, eaten meals, played with Tommy, celebrated holidays, thrown parties....we have to leave this behind.  Soon, this home will be a memory, a place we used to live, a starting place for when our marriage was young and budding.
It's time though.  I can feel it in my gut.  I know without a shadow of a doubt that God is leading us out of the familiar and the known and has something big in store.  And not just Todd's new job - there is a reason He wants us in North Dakota.  Because God is able - He could have provided something here in Texas. 
He isn't just moving us to a new state, He is moving in our hearts and our lives.  He isn't just changing the scenery, He is changing us. 
For now, I will cry the tears that need crying - and there are many.  And at the same time, I will look forward to the future with excitement and readiness too.  My hope is that the perfect family will be able to call our home theirs.  That they may treasure and love this place as much as we have and that many more beauitful memories can be made within its walls. 
For Sale:  Three bedroom, two bath, two-car garage home.  Open floorplan, beautiful kitchen, corner lot.  Perfect for a young family.  Ideal for grilling in the backyard and having your friends over - who will probably pick a spot on the kitchen the floor to sit down and hang out.  The lawn still has weeds that never seem to go away, but it's ideal for water fights and playing in the rain.  Enough space in the living room for the dad to give horsey rides and for three year olds to ride toy motorcycles from the front door to the back door.  The living room window is perfect for sitting next to and reading with your morning cup of coffee, and it's quite lovely if you enjoy watching the rain.  When the sun sets in the fall, the house lights up amber and warm and it will remind you of what falling in love feels like.  Not just a house, but home sweet, sweet, home.


  1. It's almost impossible to leave a place you grew so much in, your safety.. you home.

    Lucky for you, your home is your babies, and your King. Right?

  2. we are actually starting the process of simply moving across town, and it's hard for me to even think about! so I can't even imagine what you're feeling right hugs to you sweet friend!

  3. You have a beautiful home and praying that the selling process is smooth for you. We moved from our first home a little over a year ago and all of the feelings you feel were just the same for me. We only moved to the next town, but the sentiments are the same as you have built your life there, such precious memories, moments to cherish forever. However, you are right - being excited about what God has instore for you next is such an awesome feeling. :)

  4. When we moved from our first apartment I remember feeling so sad and crying because I was sad to leave the memories behind. But then we got to a new place and we made a new home because we were together. I think that once everything is in place you will be feeling right at home.

    Your house is beautiful. Completely looks like a home that felt love.

  5. this made me cry. im reading your blogs backwards [per usual], so its probably just been building.