August 3, 2013

Sentiments and Stickers

I am the queen of sentiments.  There is an entire box in my garage that stores treasures from my childhood which I used to think I would keep to show my kids some day as proof that I was once a teenager.  And some of it is just downright silly - like gum-wrappers and candy hearts and tops of soda cans.  But as I've grown older I've realized that I need the proof for myself, as at times, I feel farther and farther removed from my youth and have a harder time remembering heartbreak and boy craziness and all of the insecurities that came with being seventeen.  I swore I would never forget, but being in a stable, loving relationship, and a home I've made my own, having my own family and becoming a mother myself - it makes you forget some of the past and the heartache of teenagerness.  I think it's supposed to.

This morning, I awoke early.  Something I would have never done in my teenage years.  It seems as a thirty-something, my body is programmed to awake at 6:26am, unless I actually NEED to get up at that time in which case, I could keep on sleeping of course.  I made a pot of coffee and cracked open my Bible to enjoy at least 30 minutes of solid quiet before anyone was stirring and my day would officially start.  And I needed, needed some quiet time.

I typically go to the Psalms when I'm down and in need of encouragement.  Next to Philippians, it's my most favorite read, probably because it's all about feelings and song, poetry and rich writing.

My week has been rough, emotional and overwhelming.  I've almost felt bombarded on all sides - old insecurities, old problems, places that were blatantly pointed out to me where I still manage my heartache through control.  I try to make life work on my own - and how distant Jesus becomes for me when I live this way.

This morning, I read about how God leads us to a rock.  How he plants our feet firmly on that rock.  And that He IS our rock and our refuge.  I love that He leads us to Himself, plants us in Himself.  I was reminded of all of the things that feel like shifting sand, where circumstances or feelings or just life feels wavering and unsteady, uncertain and full of questions.  But God, He is never those things.  This morning, I found myself clinging to my Father as the rock He promises to be for me.

And it was only fitting that these truths opened to the place in my Bible where I've been holding on to an old sentiment.  A heart sticker my sister gave me over ten years ago when we went to a small church together.  After I left college and came back home, when I had known deep tragedy and I simply felt lost in life, I went to the same little place with my family.  She got the sticker in Sunday school and wanted me to have it. I left it in my Bible, and even after I had it rebound, it has stayed in the exact same spot, reminding me of her care for me, even as a little girl.
I have felt a little lost this week.  I have been face-to-face with struggles that could swallow me whole if I were to let them.  The quiet this morning, the Psalms, the sticker - all of it brought me a little bit closer back to home. 

To the Rock.

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