I cried today for the umpteenth time this month.
I cried because I wanted to make the dinner I had planned, but I was so exhausted that I accidentally fell asleep while taking a few moments of quiet in my room to wake up and find that, hello - it's 7:00pm.
I cried because the box I've had packed with goodies for my Auntie is still sitting in my room and it's almost Christmas and it was supposed to be a gift for fall and I feel like I've let her down.
I cried because I started the laundry and didn't finish and this only creates more work, because I have to re-dry all the shirts that need fluffing so I don't hang them up wrinkly and unwearable. I cried because wrinkly shirts and unfinished laundry make me feel like I can't keep up.
I cried because I can't keep up.
I cried because Jacob needed me to hold him and rock him to sleep. And I cried because I want to enjoy it. And I don't always enjoy it. And they always say enjoy every moment because they're not this small forever.
I cried because I don't want him to be small anymore. And I cried because it hurts to be that honest about my baby boy.
I cried because of the guilt, because of my tiredness, because it's just damn hard to be a working mother of two right now.
I cried because I realized we don't have childcare for a party we were hoping to attend on Saturday and now we can't go. I cried because small disappointments feel like very large ones for some reason right now.
I cried because I feel like I'm sinking and failing at everything and everyone that I really care about it. My husband, my boys, my friends, my family....
I cried because I'm not in North Dakota. It makes me sad to think of
all that could have been - and even with temperatures in the negatives
and all the snow, I've realized how much I never grieved what we lost in
our dream that ended so abruptly.
I cried because it's December and I want to be enjoying it and dancing through my holiday season covered in flour and wrapping paper and going about my Christmasy ways. Yet I'm just feeling disconnected and lost.
I cried because I feel like a failure. Because I feel guilty. Because I feel stressed. Because it's my favorite season of the year and I'm crying through it because I'm not liking this version of me right now, nor am I liking this season of life much either.
I cried because words like guilt and failure aren't words that should be floating around during the holidays. Not now, not in December. Not with twinkle lights and Christmas cheer and egg nog and merry-making and Hallmark movies where everyone gets a happy ending and a white Christmas and a miracle.
I cried because it's December. Because I'm struggling. Because I'm just trying to get by and get through and it feels so very discouraging to be here.
I cried because I'm ready for a January. And I am never, ever wanting for a January.