December 17, 2013

December Tears

I cried today for the umpteenth time this month. 

I cried because I wanted to make the dinner I had planned, but I was so exhausted that I accidentally fell asleep while taking a few moments of quiet in my room to wake up and find that, hello - it's 7:00pm. 

I cried because the box I've had packed with goodies for my Auntie is still sitting in my room and it's almost Christmas and it was supposed to be a gift for fall and I feel like I've let her down.

I cried because I started the laundry and didn't finish and this only creates more work, because I have to re-dry all the shirts that need fluffing so I don't hang them up wrinkly and unwearable.  I cried because wrinkly shirts and unfinished laundry make me feel like I can't keep up.

I cried because I can't keep up.

I cried because Jacob needed me to hold him and rock him to sleep.  And I cried because I want to enjoy it.  And I don't always enjoy it. And they always say enjoy every moment because they're not this small forever.

I cried because I don't want him to be small anymore.  And I cried because it hurts to be that honest about my baby boy.

I cried because of the guilt, because of my tiredness, because it's just damn hard to be a working mother of two right now.

I cried because I realized we don't have childcare for a party we were hoping to attend on Saturday and now we can't go.  I cried because small disappointments feel like very large ones for some reason right now. 

I cried because I feel like I'm sinking and failing at everything and everyone that I really care about it.  My husband, my boys, my friends, my family....

I cried because I'm not in North Dakota.  It makes me sad to think of all that could have been  - and even with temperatures in the negatives and all the snow, I've realized how much I never grieved what we lost in our dream that ended so abruptly.

I cried because it's December and I want to be enjoying it and dancing through my holiday season covered in flour and wrapping paper and going about my Christmasy ways.  Yet I'm just feeling disconnected and lost. 
I cried because I feel like a failure.  Because I feel guilty.  Because I feel stressed.  Because it's my favorite season of the year and I'm crying through it because I'm not liking this version of me right now, nor am I liking this season of life much either.

I cried because words like guilt and failure aren't words that should be floating around during the holidays.  Not now, not in December.  Not with twinkle lights and Christmas cheer and egg nog and merry-making and Hallmark movies where everyone gets a happy ending and a white Christmas and a miracle. 

I cried because it's December.  Because I'm struggling.  Because I'm just trying to get by and get through and it feels so very discouraging to be here.

I cried because I'm ready for a January.  And I am never, ever wanting for a January.


  1. Ok, here's the thing about December: it piles on lots of added expectations. Not only expectations that you DO ALL THE THINGS but also that you feel merry and sparkly all the time. So it can also be the Most Overwhelming Time of the Year. I say this as a huge Christmas lover who has also so been there with wishing it would be over already. Having a picture of what something should be like seems to be the quickest way to set ourselves up for stress and disappointment, and yet we all seem to do it with the holidays. You are not a failure for not being merry and sparkly. You are a person whose life continues to be what life is, even though it's December.

    The people I've most often seen telling mothers to treasure every moment are people whose children are long grown and have apparently forgotten that it's completely impossible to do so. They miss the moments they remember, which have been smoothed and polished by decades of forgetting the hard stuff. They're talking to their former selves, not to you. A very honest friend of mine once told me that the baby phase with her two sons was the part she had to just survive to get to the good part. I know that's not the way it is for everyone, but it is for some people and there shouldn't be any shame in that. Because it may very well be that you sail through the teenage years while the people who loved rocking babies seriously research boarding schools on other continents. For some reason it's socially acceptable to wish away your kids' teenage years, but not the baby ones. You are allowed to look forward to him being bigger and more independent and being able to talk and let you get to know him for the unique little person he is. You're allowed to wish he'd just play by himself for a few minutes or go to sleep already so you can get something done or get some sleep yourself. You're allowed to be frustrated and to cry, even in December.

    I wish I could come over and give you a big hug. (Then tell you how fabulous you look while waving you out the door to your Christmas party while I hang out with your little guys. If only.)

    1. What wonderful and level headed advice!

  2. I'm feeling the exact same way right now. I'm so ready for January.

    This is the first time in so long that I have no Christmas decor up because I'm just not feeling it at all. I hate to say it since it's my favorite time of the year too. It sucks to say it. But I guess just because it's the best time of the year doesn't mean it's the best season of our life.

    Sending prayers your way.

  3. Even though you are a complete stranger (and now here I am finding myself posting on your blog) I feel as though you wrote the words that my heart has been screaming! Thank you for being real....Thank You for being YOU, Thank you for making me cry yet more tears this morning and most importantly, thank you for making me feel like I am not alone!

  4. You are not alone!!! Hugs to you from three states away! And ditto to what the first commenter said. I feel you, I really do. Especially on the baby part. I told Amelia the other day "can't you just grow up!!!" of the year right here. I love my kids, but I LOATHE this stage. LOATHE. I hate that I have to do sooooo much for her. Yes, I know she's a baby and I'm her mother and supposed to take care of her, but I get so tired of constantly being needed. I love that at four Olivia still needs me but can do a little bit for herself. I'm tired of not getting a full nights sleep for the past five months. I'm tired of not being able to have two seconds to myself without the baby needing something. I can tell Olivia to go to her room to play and give mommy a few minutes alone, but the baby doesn't get that and it seems like those are the moments she needs me the most. Like the first commenter said, I have decided those people who say that are the ones who are too far removed from it. The baby stage is hard, it's tiring. I know I'm struggling more this time around than with Olivia. I'm just trying to survive this first year and yes, I'm counting down the days. I know I'm rambling now, but you're not alone in your feelings. I'm right there with you. Hugs.