While mini-mooning in Marble Falls, Todd and I made the choice to treat ourselves to an ice-cream sundae. At the time, we didn't feel like it was a big deal, to go "off lent" or whatever it is that you call it when you have whatever it is that you've given up for the season.
I may not have mentioned that Todd was doing this with me. While he is doing it to support me and not necessarily for Lent, he too has withheld from sodas and desserts and sugary treats. Naturally, he's lost ten pounds, but he's realized that he doesn't need soda during the day to keep him awake or energized and he has decided to cut out sodas from his diet with the exception of having one when we occasionally dine out.
The sundaes we purchased were the first real dessert since before March 5th. We ate that ice-cream and hot fudge - me, primarily just the hot fudge portion because chocolate is what interests me most when it comes to the dessert spectrum. I wasn't able to eat it all and after I ate what I did, sadness set in. To my surprise, it wasn't a feeling of failure or self-contempt, but of conviction. Like something in my heart hurt and I felt grieved.
On top of that, my body almost felt physically ill. Todd felt the same way. It was rich and decadent and was too much, even though neither of us finished what we had. The getting the ice-cream in the first place was perhaps more about places of disappointment we were both sitting in, me especially, than feeling like it was okay to indulge since we were away and on a special outing. Though I tried to convince myself of that.
After I sat there, post-hot fudge, I thought about how these last several weeks of life have been some of the sweetest I've known with God. He's felt near in a place that I've only ever felt His distance. I've gone to Him when I wanted the sweet and found that in His heart and His word and His presence. For the first time ever, I've desired to honor Him with what I am or what I'm not putting in my mouth to eat. I've waited for His voice with expectancy and in ways I never have before. I've looked to Him to fill something in me that I've seen where I have filled with sweets and desserts for years.
I realized that it wasn't the sundae I was wanting. It was Him. I was needing some of His sweetness and care and love as I sat with emotions and pieces of our story together that feel weighty and sometimes hopeless. I think we were both needing Him.
We haven't had another sweet since that one outing on our getaway. I was amazed at how a few spoonfuls of hot fudge set off my cravings for sugar all over again for the next few days. The whole experience did something in my heart though. It made me curious what it might be like to stay the course. To live a life without sweets and desserts. For them to be had on a special occasion instead of a daily or nightly occurrence as almost a reward for surviving my day. I wondered if I could keep on.
And as I've been curious, I've heard that still small voice. The same One who invited me to this journey two months ago.
Would you follow me here? Oh come and see, follow me and taste and see that I am good.