Tears began to well up as my frustration mounted. I felt stupid. I couldn't answer her questions. She was spouting off form numbers I've never heard of before.
The IRS has a way of making you feel small and dumb.
I love my job, I really do. I enjoy the challenges of doing things that I've never done before and being with a company as it's growing. I've never worked at a job from the ground up. I'm getting great experience and learning so many new things. And this is in addition to having a flexible schedule, hours of my choosing, and a boss that cares about me and occasionally spoils me with Starbucks, lunch or gift cards to somewhere, just because.
But every once in a while, one of my challenges is more than challenging. And I'm left to my own devices to figure things out on my own. Which can sometimes result in frustration and tears. This time however, I simply can't figure things out on my own. And we will have to pay our CPA to solve this particular tax puzzle for us, because this is just beyond my capability and knowledge. Not to mention, beyond my pay grade.
I know that I'm not stupid. I'm brilliant actually. I'm self-taught and do this job without need for instructions or managing. My boss leaves me alone all day and I just do my work. So I know that I'm smart and intelligent and capable and responsible and sharp.
And I guess I just needed to remind myself of that today.
Feeling stupid and believing that I am, leads me down the path of self-contempt. And I'm tired of taking the familiar walk of self-hate because circumstances can convince me to believe a lie. It's there that I am violent and do damage and I'm sick of this cycle and how often it repeats itself in my life. It shows up everywhere.
Today I am refusing to believe that I am stupid. I refuse to believe things that aren't true about myself. I refuse to sit in self-hatred. I choose to believe the truth about who I am, regardless of what opposition, or evil or even the IRS says about me.