I can already tell that my thoughts are going to be all over the place in my post today. I'm spinning again, but in a lovely and tender way. Kind of like I did as a little girl when I would wear a ruffly dress that would twirl perfectly when I would spin around and around.
Yesterday and today have been the kind of days where you can open every window in your house and it's the perfect temperature to keep you both cool and warm at the same time. And your whole house fills with that wonderful fresh, outside smell and there feels like an invitation to play or just enjoy something that is waiting right outside your door.
I also baked banana bread yesterday. I love the smell of things baking in the oven and it seemed like that with the fresh spring air filling my house, a moment that could go unnoticed turned into one of those moments in life that I wanted to freeze forever, because I could feel the beauty all around me and in me. I felt very aware of beauty - my own and what surrounded me.
Today I am feeling the weight of things glorious. Good and wonderful things where I have been seen and known, heard and understood, longings filled, and excitement waiting just on the horizon. I tend to fear feeling so many good things all at once because the part of me that has been deeply hurt before wants to remind myself that something "bad" is waiting just around the corner, so I shouldn't get too comfortable in my enjoyment. Yet, I find myself wanting to fight my usual tendency in these circumstances and just allow myself to feel free to enjoy the things surrounding me that are lovely.
Twice yesterday I was reminded by two women that my mother's beauty was glorious. And that her beauty of who she was and how she impacted others and interacted with others and how people experienced her has lived on through me. I have not gone untouched by my mother's beauty even though our relationship wasn't all that I longed for it to be. A dear, precious friend who knew my mother, wrote those words to me and I read them over and over and over again soaking in that truth. It has led me to weep tears of thankfulness and joy and hope. And it's made me feel like dancing or singing, or twirling in a pretty ruffly dress.
My heart feels like it could bust open today. I'm still reeling from big things that happened in Grace Group last night - hard things, but good things. Spring is feeling gorgeous. My 30th birthday is Saturday and I'm going to a party that's being thrown for me. I found out that I get to go on a trip in May that was unexpected and surprising and it's felt amazing how quickly it has all worked out for me to go.
And the sun is shining today. And I love the feel of it on me and how it makes me glow.