Rice krispy treats could very well be my kryptonite. They feel like one of those foods that gets me every time and I feel powerless in their presence. Perhaps they are easy to consume in mass quantities because they aren't incredibly filling and they are oh so tasty.
I don't make them very often anymore. Because I know myself, I know my triggers and until I am in a place where habits I am still forming are my actual ways of living, I really don't think I can have them in my house.
Much to my dismay, a pan of rice krispy treats made their way into my house over the weekend. Todd's mom brought a small pan over on Sunday evening when she came to stay with Tommy so we could go out. And there they sat on my counter. Waiting to be consumed by me.
This feels really embarrassing to admit. And if this story didn't have a happy ending, I probably wouldn't be telling it here today. But last night I had a smallish piece after I ate dinner. I was good, full, content and done eating. And then I went back for another small piece. And that's when the full on battle began.
After that point, I think I went in and out of the living room to the kitchen half a dozen times. I would look at those damn rice krispy treats and put the foil back on and walk away.
Over and over again.
It felt silly and stupid and pathetic and I believe that's what I was telling myself the entire time. My usual habit and belief is that it would be far easier to just consume all of them so that whatever it is that is tempting me is just gone and the battle for them will be over. And I'll be defeated but at least they will be gone and the intensity that I am feeling inside will pass.
I used to smoke years ago. And what I experienced with those treats last night could equivocate to what a nicotine fit feels like - when you need a cigarette and you can't have one. I felt panicky and hot and cold at the same time. I had to concentrate on my breathing and did everything I could do to distract myself. I've been using some new techniques to battle urges like this and to my surprise, they actually worked. But more than that, I realized and experienced the strength inside of me to overcome it.
As gross as it feels to admit that I am talking about rice krispy treats here, this is kind of a big deal. Because it's not just the rice krispy treats. It's not just this one instance. This is my life. This is my addiction. This is battleground for my heart and I am fighting like hell here.
And last night. I won. I didn't just defeat rice krispy treats or the urge to consume the rest of the pan. I gave my eating disorder a huge blow. I kicked it in the ass and told it that I'm strong and that I can change.
And I am changing. Day by day, moment by moment. I am changing.