It's when good things happen, that I tend to fall apart. When blessings abound, or things fall in to place just as exactly as I hoped that they would - that's when I am a complete wreck. I feel myself turn into a giant mess of anxiety and worry about whatever good thing that's happening.
It could be taken from me. I could lose it. It could fall apart and I'll be left with my grief and with questions for God about why He blessed me with something and then allowed it to be taken away. And I'm scared about the durability of my faith. What another huge loss or major disappointment would do to the deeper relationship that I've been building with God the last couple of years.
Needless to say, it's hard for me to enjoy and celebrate when the good things happen and come my way. I often let my fears and worries rob me of any joy. I almost anticipate for those things to be snatched away from me.
These days it feels like good things are happening for us. And I'm scared. Terrified really. That it's all too good to be true and that I'm not deserving of these good things anyway. That they will fall apart and I'll be left in the midst of devastation with a broken heart and another round of intense anger toward God.
Maybe that's what I fear the most - living life where I am angry with Him again all the time. It took nearly a lifetime to get to this place where I made-up with Him so-to-speak. I've enjoyed this new place and I fear that some circumstance will knock me over and turn my world upside down again.
I wonder why it feels easier somehow to have no good things and just go to God with my hopes and longings and prayers and live with a void instead.
This morning I'm aware of my need for some peace and rest in the midst of the things my heart is holding on to and hoping for. And I'm aware again of my beautifully desperate need for Him.
Maybe it's when the good things come, that I need Him even more.
You're writing my story.
You hold my heart.
And I need You here.
I need You.