I've always had some kind of plan for my life. Even in the lost moments, the ones where I was wandering and confused and didn't even know who I was yet, I was always planning. Setting little goals, trying to put things in motion to make something happen in my life. Searching for significance, purpose and meaning.
Here I am now. Thirty-one and far from anywhere I had ever planned to be.
I'm not an opera singer. I'm not a stay-at-home mom to four kids. I'm not some famous author. I don't have a college degree and I'm not out of debt or skinny. At one time or another I had planned for those things to happen and I suppose they still can if I really wanted them to. I'm still living and reaching for the things. Although, maybe just no to four.
At the end of the day, most of me feels content with where I am. I have this underlying peace from God, where I know I'm right where I belong. He has me in all of these specific places in life because He knows what is best for me.
Yet, I live with deep longings for more too. I know that He knows about those longings. He cares about all of the unrealized dreams and all that I'm scared to pursue. I often feel His invitation to start on the paths that I hesitate to go down. But sometimes I'm afraid He will leave or that I could get lost in it somehow.
The relationship I have with God is real. It feels unique to me. I find myself talking to Him throughout my every day. I may not always pick up my Bible or get into some deep theological study, but He is truly a part of how I live and do life. I'm far from religious. I don't follow rules. I don't like to put God or what I believe into some definable box either. Sometimes I feel different than a lot of people who share my faith because of my convictions and how I live looks differently for my life than theirs. And I've learned that this is okay, because at the end of the day what matters most is me and Him. What I have with God, with Jesus - it's very real and personal to me. It has changed me and I hope He is always moving in my heart making me more like Him than I was the day before.
Lately I have found myself curious about what He is writing in to my story. I feel like I'm heading into a new season and He is gently taking me there. Things are going to be changing for me and my family. I've been feeling this tug on my heart and these whispers of where He is inviting me to join Him. And though I feel somewhat scared and anxious about what it holds and means for me, it's hard to stay fearful. I feel more at rest the more I allow myself to lay down all that I had been planning and just let Him lead me to the place He has in store.
God has often asked me to do things that have felt risky. And after I took those steps of faith, I have always been able to look back and see where He sustained me. Where he took care of my heart and came through.
Sometimes, things in life tend to feel bigger than God. The road ahead of me feels much like that. It seems impossible and I have more questions than answers. I find myself asking Him, "Are you really big enough to do this? Are you really big enough to make what you're calling me to a reality. Do you really have this in store for me?"
And I hear his gentle and firm reply of, "I AM." And it calms my heart and suddenly having answers seems less important.
I know His voice. I know it when I hear it. I know that whisper and what I feel in my heart. Though what lies in front of me is full of uncertainty, maybe if I just keep listening for His voice and following it closely, I'll end up right where He wants me. Right where I've always belonged.
This relationship, this Jesus, this Voice that I listen to that leads and loves me - it's a truly wild adventure. A beautiful journey. One that I could have never, ever planned for.