September 6, 2012

Ruby colored longings

It was in a small room in Muskegon, Michigan that I uttered it out loud.  I was surrounded by faces of men and women who had started out as strangers, but by that day, I was deeply known by all of them.  They had bravely walked places with me in my story that I didn't have the courage to go until they entered in and faced it with me.

That's the beauty of journeying with others.  Sometimes we don't have the courage to face the truth until we have an army behind us, cheering us on.  Being there to support and encourage and remind us of what is true about us.  And more importantly, about Jesus.

That week was beautiful, redeeming and gut-wrenchingly hard.  But the ending for me, was nothing short of glorious.  Not only did I say this big thing out loud, but it was written down for everyone to see - the deepest longings of my heart.

And then I danced.  I was free enough to let loose, let go and dance my freaking heart out.

There were other longings I named.  Things that are very personal and real - those I still want to hold on to for now and keep just for me and not write out in this particular forum.  But, at the top of that list was what I longed for the most:

A daughter named little gem.  

I'm only thirteen weeks pregnant at the moment.  And I don't know if I'm carrying my daughter - it could be my second son.  In the weeks I've been pregnant and dreaming about my future child, we've gone back and forth on names.  And just when we thought it was settled, I kept going back to the name I had chosen years ago.  Ruby - it's THE name.  It's the color, the sparkle of the longings I hold in my heart about dreaming of my little girl.

I'm also aware that longings don't always work the way we think they ought to sometimes.  We deeply ache for things and often, God grants us the desires of our hearts and we see our longings fulfilled.  And other times, they change because He has something better in mind.  I've come to know and trust that His best is better than anything I can conjure up.

But He knows.  He knows how deep my longing go for a daughter, for my Ruby.  She may come to us this way.  We may adopt her later.  She may be a glorious little thing up in Heaven that I'll spend eternity with - I don't really know.  But, I'm up for the adventure either way.

Today I was reminded of that room.  Of the marker I wrote with as I spelled out what was in the depths of my heart.  I was reminded of the faces who had tears for me and my story.  Of those who fought in the trenches with me, and afterward, danced with me on the belly of a slayed dragon.

In my morning and afternoon and evening sickness that has apparently found me in my thirteenth week, I'm reminded of my ruby colored longings.  Curious about what God could possibly have in store this time around....

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