All it took was one phone call from my mother-in-law this morning to say that her truck wouldn't start and she would need for me to bring Tommy her way, for me to go into an all-out panic about the future and have a massive meltdown over the phone sobbing to my husband.
True, hormones could possibly be to blame, but really, the looming future ahead of me - the having another baby and wondering how I'm supposed to work full-time and do this new mom thing and take care of my home and my other little boy - all if it feels overwhelming. I'm convinced I can't do this. Most of the time, it's tucked away in the back of my mind and I try not to think about it at all. I've labeled this as "taking one day at time" and "not worrying about my future." But really, it feels so big to think about, that really I have to check out and not go there - which has resulted in my heart being numb most of the time - and that's not how I desire to live. But choosing not to think or plan for what life will look like in March is what I've chosen to do. Because I simply just don't know what's going to happen.
It's the not knowing that's terrifying for me. And it's the knowing
what I need and being scared that I won't be able to have what I need
and wondering how I'll get through life without that - that's what has
me anxious and scared and tears ready to spill out of me at any given
moment. I'm afraid that working and having a new baby and the life-load
I'm already carrying will do me in and I'll snap. Something will have
Everything that we've waited for and hoped to happen in regards to changes in a job for Todd has resulted in disappointment after disappointment. It's left me devastated and confused and heartbroken really. And to add insult to injury, even though Todd has worked almost TWENTY-SIX friggin years for the same company and has over six weeks of paid vacation to use - he couldn't use a week of it next week to spend it with his family. It's one slap in the face after another at this job - and because the economy sucks and people need work, he's stuck and we hate it. It's hard to be grateful for a job and income when it's comes with so much frustration and disappointment.
A few weeks ago, the youth pastor of our church, and now good-friend Nate, preached on trusting God. His sermon left me in tears and I told him later that if for no one else, God used him to speak to my heart that day. This whole pregnancy and all of the worries that have come with it, have come with this invitation to trust Him and I've been wrestling instead of trusting for months now. Needless to say, I'm worn out.
I left that Sunday with a question he posed resonating within me: "Will you trust Me again Jennifer?"
And evil seems to be waiting right around the next corner to answer that question for me. He is able, yet He doesn't do what He is able to do. How can you believe He is for you when nothing works out your way? You can't trust Him. Trust yourself - at least you can figure it out. Definitely not the voice of the One who made my heart.
What's crazy about this trust issue I have with God is that I have so much proof of where He has come through for me before. Just like the last time when we were pregnant with Tommy - I had no clue how I would be out of work for two months and how we could make ends meet during that time. Yet, He provided in huge ways and shut my fears down in an instant - literally. And not just that, but so many times in life where He has shown me, even though He doesn't have anything to prove, that He is good and He is for me and He's got me. Perhaps what scares me, is "how" He cares for us isn't always the way I would choose.
From the beginning, I've questioned His timing for us on this second child. I was on the losing weight track and the paying things off track and our marriage-is-healing track and all of a sudden this amazing, surprising, HUGE gift was put in our hands and once again, life was and is going to be turned completely upside down. I'm left wondering, as I have been many other times before, what on earth is God doing? What is He writing in to my story? What does He want me to know about Him? How does He want me to live here?
More often than not, I cry out wanting some clear answer from Him as a reply, and I get either silence or the resounding words of Trust Me. I Am. I love you. I will not leave you or forsake you. It's funny how we go to God for direction - asking Him specific questions about what to do, what job to take, what to say yes or no to - and He replies with something off the wall rather than giving us the clear-cut answer we think we need. Maybe that's why they call this faith.
I guess I just wonder if I have enough faith to trust Him here. To trust Him with what I need, with where we are at and with what is to come with the arrival of Jacob. As always, I figure that if I keep doing what I'm doing, I can figure it out. I can control it all and manage the situation - it's how I've operated for years - the great manager. And I'm good at it - really. I can figure it at all out and get it done and do it all. But I'm miserable and tired and living this way comes with a heavy price to pay. And honestly, I think that's what He's asking me to give up. I'm scared that if I finally let go of all I'm holding on to, that everything will fall apart and I'll be left with nothing - including nothing with God because He will have disappointed me.
For now, I have to put my big-girl panties back on. Get through another day at work. Go to a doctor's appointment for a check up where I hope my blood pressure continues to be normal and I haven't gained a million pounds since last time lest I be lectured by my doctor and leave feeling horribly about myself. I have to get paperwork done and help my boss get ready for a huge-giant-important meeting tonight and run errands for work even though I'm officially at a waddling-status. And after work, help my Gramma pay her water bill, pick up Tommy, and go home and make dinner - which I just realized that in the chaos of the morning I forgot to set out the meat we needed for tonight's meal.
All of it is enough to drive me a little crazy - and I suppose it is. I know I need to let go and give it up, yet the fear of doing that is what has me grasping for more control. It's a pretty vicious cycle. A dance I've danced for years and I desperately want to change it, but again....I'm scared.
And today, I have no beautiful bow to tie up my thoughts with. No realization, no peace, no great understanding of anything. No answers or solutions or perfect plan to make it all work. It's left as undone as life is right now. A great unknown, a big question mark. And a big God who I find myself struggling with again and again and again.