December 21, 2012

When Christmas found me

Some of the things that were on my mind and heart and plate have passed.  The doctor's appointment (where I had to do a three hour blood glucose test) I was dreading is done and over.  We have an official "plan" for Christmas now.  And I cancelled the cookie decorating event with my family last night because I was wiped out after my appointment and decided there was no way I could roll out cookies and put them in and take them out of the oven all day long.  It was disappointing to cancel, yet it was kind for my body and my heart too. 

After a lengthy nap yesterday, our little family of three headed out to have dinner together and went to look at Christmas lights in a neighborhood that is famous for doing it BIG every year.

See what I mean?
I haven't gone looking at Christmas lights since I was young.  I was quite little the last time I went to this very neighborhood.  I may have even said something to Todd last night starting with the phrase, "Well, twenty-something years ago...."   Wow, I'm old.
Tommy was absolutely in awe of how much there was to see.  Some things were animated, some yards played music.  Some things were handcrafted and homemade and were quite unique.  I loved hearing him in the backseat squeal with excitement and wonder.  It made my mother's heart full and left me with much to treasure.
I felt like a kid again.  When life felt simple and magical and was full of twinkle lights in December.  When you feel safe and loved and it feels like ages before Christmas day will finally arrive and you can finally tear into that one big present under the tree that has your name on it.
My heart feels changed this Christmas.  It's been changed because of circumstances, both financial and physical, and how I've been forced to see things differently and do things differently than I'm used to. It's been changed because of tragedy and horrific stories of the evil in this world.  But mostly it's been changed because I've allowed my heart to journey with Jesus in new ways. I haven't shut him out.  He's been invited and wanted - maybe more than I've ever invited Him in or wanted Him with me before.  I never realized how much I left him out of my heart at Christmastime. 
I woke up early this morning - 5am to be exact - but I was feeling like me.  The me that loves baking cookies and watching Christmas movies and can't wait for the excitement that Christmas morning brings.

Maybe it was the lights.  The magic and wonder of what we saw last night that made me feel childlike and innocent.
And maybe it's been everything.  The tragedies that have made me ache and weep and have caused such tenderness in my spirit.  The gratitude I've found for what I have, especially in my little growing family.  In the relationships that have been renewed and restored to me and are evident in text messages and warm smiles and conversations.  Maybe it's been seeing where it's become easier to be kind to myself - to make kind choices for my body, for my heart and soul.  Maybe it's been the early mornings I've spent with my Savior.

Somehow all of it - every twinkle light, every tear shed, every moment spent with those that I've loved has changed me.  I do believe that the Christmas I feared was lost has been found.  I didn't find it though.

Christmas found me.

Merry Christmas to you all!


  1. glad to hear you had such a wonderful evening with your family! enjoy your Christmas weekend friend, hope it's fabulous!

  2. Oh.. oh.. oh..

    I would choose a nap over Christmas Cookies every time.

    Your final little closing.. is beautiful.. i said outloud to myself.. "awwwwwwwww.." so sweet.

    Merry Christmas my dear friend.

  3. Very nice! You have such a great way of putting your feelings into words!