December 4, 2012

Where are you Christmas?

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you?
Why have you gone away?

Where is the laughter you used to bring me?
Why can't I hear music play?

My world is changing
I'm rearranging 
Does that mean Christmas changes too?

I've been thinking about this song.  A little tune from the movie, The Grinch who Stole Christmas.  It feels fitting for where my heart is at this December, though I wish it weren't the case.

My home may be decorated and a couple of gifts for Tommy may already be purchased, but to be honest, I'm having a really hard time getting into the Christmas spirit this year.  I could blame it on hormones.  I could blame it on all of the things I can't do this year because of pregnancy or budget restrictions.  Or I could blame it on our sticky, balmy, very-un-December-like weather.  And those things are definitely putting a damper on how I might typically celebrate this time of year.  But I think maybe, it goes a bit deeper.

For me, Christmastime has always been about a bustle of activity.  It's about decorating and baking cookies and having fun get-togethers.  It's twinkle lights and Christmas music and Hallmark movies and egg nog.  It's romantic date nights downtown on the Riverwalk and being in awe of every decked out tree I see because they are my very favorite part of the holidays.  Christmas means singing Joy to the World at church and mailing out festive photo cards.  Celebrating with family, reading Luke 2 and acknowledging where God has been present and at work in our hearts.  And, it's the time of year I come alive and remember my mother's memory the most.

But something feels different this year, as if something has changed. But I think the thing that has changed the me. 

The year has been  mixed with the good and the bad, the happy and the sad.  It's been life lived instead of life constantly numbed out to.  The year has brought much healing - in my body, my heart, my family and relationships and my marriage.  And I wonder why all of that hasn't set me up to have more joy this season?  The season I typically look forward to the most out of the whole year.  And I feel sad knowing that in a few short weeks it will be gone and I'm afraid I will have missed it all because of this Christmas funk I've uncharacteristically found myself in.

My hope is that God will find me here - in His very season of hope and joy and grace and peace.  That I will draw near to Him in my slower-paced Christmas season.  And that maybe I will discover that Christmastime, rather than just the bustle of activity I'm so used to, can be about something much more.  

Where are you Christmas?  Can I find you?

1 comment:

  1. i read something last night that i was so thankful to read- i am feeling like you, and its so strange. from The Road to Daybreak:
    "Still, in the midst of it all I saw- even though I did not feel- that this day may prove to be a grace after all. Somehow I realized that songs, ...good music,good feelings, liturgies...big dinners, and many sweet words do not make Christmas.
    Christmas is saying "yes" to something beyond all emotions and feelings. Christmas is saying "yes" to a hope based on God's initiative, which has nothing to do with what I think or feel. Christmas is believing that the salvation of the world is God's work and not mine. Things will never look just right or feel just right. If they did, someone would be lying. ....I look at Him and pray," Thank you, Lord, that you came, independent of my feelings and thoughts. Your heart is greater than mine." Maybe a "dry" Christmas, [one] without much to feel or think, will bring me closer to the true mystery or God-with-us. What it asks is pure, naked faith."

    im still trying to sit in this.