January 24, 2013

on cloudy days

The weather suits my mood today.  It's gray, dreary, drizzly and barely cool.  It's melancholy and reminds me of what disappointment feels like.

Todd gets to spend the day with Tommy today.  Having some extra special father-son time before his departure which will include Tommy's requests of playing at McDonalds and going to look at trucks.  And my heart breaks a little bit more each day as we get closer to Monday, because he is only three and a half and there is so much he can't and won't be able to understand.

I keep wondering what caring for his heart is supposed to look like and if we will do it well. 

I'm aware of how I want to keep my son from feeling pain, from causing him damage and hurting his heart and how I only have so much control over that.  God has used pain and my inability to understand things to draw me to His heart, yet I want to shield my son from knowing pain and abandonment and disappointment.  Oh being a parent comes with so much....

I received a text message last night that said "cancer."  It's come for someone I'm close to, a family I dearly love.  And it feels heavy and hard and much like the sad gray that I see when I look out the window this morning.

A sweet girl trusted me with part of her story last night - where she is struggling and feeling evil's assaults on her heart and her body and how she lives.  It reminds me of how God has brought me healing so that I can fight and come along side of others.  It reminds me that evil is relentless - that it comes and it comes and there is always war to be waged.

My body is tired. The end of this pregnancy is feeling difficult and wearing and I'm feeling done.  Yet, I'm growing anxious with wondering how I will be a mother of two.  That role feels so big and I hope I'm ready for it.

It's getting harder and harder to get out of bed every morning and get ready for work.  Partially because I have three weeks until it's quitting time and it feels forever away.  And partially because my body wants more rest than I'm giving it. 

Still resisting rest at every turn.

The clock is ticking.  The days are going by quickly and I'm beginning to feel overwhelmed, emotional at what is all changing and happening in our lives so quickly.  Trying to give my fears to God and lay my worries aside and just do this day that I am in right now.  Yet it feels like our lives are at the end of something and parts of it need grieving as those ends come. 

Grieving and tears and sadness before the spring.  Before the new.

1 comment:

  1. I wish I could say something that would bring you comfort but I don't have the right words. Praying for you love.