The lasts

Todd headed off to work this morning much like he has in the six and a half years I've known him.  His alarm set, and unlike me, able to get right out of bed when it goes off.  He puts on his socks and his watch and then brushes his teeth, gets dressed and he's ready and out the door within fifteen minutes.

As I watched him walk out the door this morning, Tommy's little hand in his own, I was aware that it would be the very last time I would see this.  Todd taking Tommy to his home daycare, and heading off to this job that has drained him, frustrated him and sucked the life out of him for so many years.  While we have been grateful for employment and amazing health insurance and paid vacation time - things that so many don't have or must live without - my heart leapt a little inside as I thought about how much was changing for him.  How his longings are becoming a reality.  And what he is giving up and risking for all of us.

I'm a deep feeler.  So it may come as no surprise to know that I sat with this image, my husband walking out the door of our home and heading off to his last day of this old job probably FOREVER - and let myself feel the weight of it.  How wonderful and sad and amazing and scary it all is.  When I posted our big news yesterday, the consensus on my Facebook wall seemed to be for the most part, "How exciting and scary!"  If it feels both scary and exciting for others, you can imagine how deep I am feeling both of those emotions.

I am in my weeks of lasts as well - and not just with my pregnancy.  I gave my notice at my job yesterday and plan to have my last day of work be February 22nd.  At this time, I have no plans of working full time again, though of course, things could change or fall through and if it's needed, I'll put on my working hat and go back somewhere - whether here or in North Dakota.  While I'm looking forward to the rest and not driving in traffic or being elbow deep in paperwork anymore, I also wonder if I have the SAHM gene in me.  If I can do this well and not go crazy being home with two young children every day.  Perhaps like everything else, I'll have to take that one day at a time too.

So it's Wednesday and I'm soaking in more of the lasts.  Feeling all of this as it comes, day by day and moment by moment.  It's been hard not to let my mind wander to life a week from now, or three weeks from now, or a few months from now.  All of the little details that have yet to fall into place as we are taking this process one wobbly step at a time.

It's a bit scary not to have a complete plan, yet we've been invited to trust and that's what we're doing.  I guess that's why they call it faith.