Obviously, this bothers me.
Even still, all these weeks later, I am still trying to recover numbers and put them in my new (well, very used and old) phone. But it's not the same. There are still dozens missing. It bothers me not having this full contact list in my phone. There should be more. The list should be fuller.
I have this amazing walk-in closet. It's one of the perks to our huge master bedroom in this house. Plenty of storage and lots of rack space for clothes. And if you know me well, you would also know I'm something of a top-aholic. I LOVE buying a new top or three on frequent occasion - especially if I can score a sale.
I'm ashamed to admit to the world exactly how many I have, but it's quite possibly more than anyone needs I'm sure. There is something satisfying about going into my very full closet full of cute tops and the many choices before me. Even though I could probably purge dozens of them since I simply don't ever wear them, I enjoy seeing them in my closet. Looking full as if I've conquered the cute-top world and I have them all.
Life has been busy-busy lately. And I'm left wondering if I'm doing too much or if it's just adding Jacob into the mix that makes it feel busier than usual. My calendar is full of youth group, bible study, worship team (though I only sing twice a month), appointments, date nights, social gatherings, showers, outings, helping friends move - and so on. And did I mention we have Schlitterbahn season passes?
Recently, I caught myself admitting, though somewhat humorously, to a friend, "I just want to do all the things!"
Anytime I go to write anything in, I feel this great sense of satisfaction. Watching days fill up with activity and purpose and something to DO. Some place to GO. There is something about having a full calendar that makes me feel like I'm important, or wanted even. It's interesting how a full calendar can make feel like that, but it can become burdensome too when you realize you simply don't have time for everything, even if you've scheduled it.
There are other things I like to see full.
My bookshelves. My picture frames. My boxes of decorations for fall and Christmas. My Facebook photo albums. My Instagram "likes." My iPod. My blog posts and comments, few though they may be. My Pinterest boards!
One thing is clear - I want the full.
I know that I was created to be filled. God made all of us empty and needy and He brought us into the world where we are completely dependent on someone else's care for us. Someone else had to love us, fill us, feed us, nurture us. He created us so that we would need Him to be our Great Filler. To rely on Him for all that we need and desire. But at some point, we all learn to take care of that filling for ourselves.
As I've been pondering these thoughts the last few weeks, especially on my need to have things feel FULL, it's been easy for me to see where I've gone in my own neediness to seek fulfillment.
For a long time it was with food. I would fill, and greatly overfill, my stomach with food. And though my struggle there is much different now, I've become curious about other places where I might still be "binging" and seeking to find fullness for myself.
The clothes and the calendar especially - both places I might need to look at and ask myself some hard questions.
What am I trying to fill? What am I hoping to get from them/it? What am I needing? What am I not looking to God for if I am filling my own time, my own closet and my own life? What am I missing out on by doing the filling myself? Is there any room left to experience God in these places? Who is there not room for right now?
All questions at the moment that have no answers. But places I want to sit in and think on as my heart feels pricked and grieved. I may start with the closet.....it could be time to start purging some items and I wonder what I'll discover as I let some of the fullness go and sit in some space.
Wide, open, free, blank space.
I wonder what there could be room for.