Heavy-Hearted

Todd's grandfather passed away yesterday at the beautiful, long-lived age of 92. 

Yesterday morning he told his children he was going to be seeing Doris that day, his wife who preceded him in death 20 years earlier when cancer took her life.  And by evening, he had taken his last breath here and went to see her just as he said he would.

I only met him once.  He flew down for our wedding in June of 2006 and celebrated our big day with us.  Todd knew him well though.  He was the grandfather he remembered spending summer vacations and holidays with.  They spent time on the lake fishing and doing those special things only grandpas and grandsons know how to do together.  As I've watched my own boys with their grandfathers, you can see the unique connection that is built there.  The same was true for Todd and his grandpa. 

Since yesterday, I've felt lost.  It's been many years since death has touched me and it's almost as if I haven't known what to do, how to react, how to be, what to say and what not to.  I realized this morning that Todd and I have not known this kind of loss together since we've been married.  I've never had to hold my husband in a grief like this before and watch him endure a kind of sorrow and loss I have yet to know myself.

Anytime I catch myself holding back tears, changing the subject, or showing emotions disproportionate to my situation, it's as if a red flag goes up in my brain.  What's going on for me?  What am I not not wanting to feel here? 

I don't really know the answers to those questions yet.  I only know that when death comes for someone we love and know, there are whisperings it brings with it.  Questions about our mortality, our relationships, our health, the life we are living.  Thoughts of what we believe and curiosities about God and heaven and eternity.  Maybe because it's been so many years since I've heard those whispers come, it's taken my heart by an overwhelming surprise. 

Thank you for thinking of us as we are heavy-hearted today.  I'm looking forward to the weekend ahead and the rest and quiet it will bring with it as I love on my husband in his sorrow and loss.

May you all feel blanketed in comfort and peace this weekend.  The kind that comes from and is Jesus.