There's been spilled chili and thrown strawberries and bite marks on my coffee table and a baby at my knees in the bathroom angry that I'm not holding him as I attempt to pee. All of the mess and the chaos and the brokenness I discovered inside of me has been part of this great undoing in my heart of the expectations I had of myself as a mom. And even more so, an invitation to grace.
For the last couple of weeks, I have been working on some blog posts in regards to motherhood. One post morphed into two, and those two morphed into another, and before I knew it, I had five posts worth of motherhoodish things to say. And I'm almost certain, I could keep on going and write a short book.
I've been quiet about this piece of my life for awhile. Probably because I never imagined I would struggle in the ways that I have in this role and I've wanted to hide it. I've allowed myself to sit in shame and believe I was alone here. I never imagined the difficulty I would have within myself as I went from having one child to two. I heard this transition was rough, but I didn't know how rough until I caught myself sobbing tears as I chopped lettuce at my kitchen counter while my baby screamed at me and would cling to my legs with all his might. I realized that a lot of my struggles poke at the places where I miss my own mother and desperately wish she were here so I could ask her of it felt this hard. So I could hug her neck and tell her thank you and give her the grace I never did when she was alive. When I was clueless about what it is that a mama even does or feels or goes through.
Next week, I'll be sharing some real, raw and honest pieces of my mama's heart. There are both Seasons and Stories in the whole journey of motherhood and parenting I've learned. And I have plenty of them to share.
And this boy - who I cannot get over how he is looking at me in this picture - he has been the greatest challenge and one of the greatest joys I've ever known. Even when I've felt like I'm failing him, or missing it all together - he knows he is loved. And he loves me right back.
I hope you'll stop by next week for a story or three.