Five Years

Today is our five year anniversary. FIVE years. We are a whole hand old now.

This last year has been a good one, yet it's been difficult in it's own right. In the last year, we've grown together and we have seen our love has deepen and take roots. Our marriage together continues to develop and look just as unique as we are.

Even though much of the last year was spent apart with Todd working two jobs and me left without him, we have purposed to remain close and connect as often as possible in the midst of that. Todd loves me in a way that I have never been loved, and with each passing day, more of my heart finds healing because of it. His strength and sacrifice for Tommy and I this past year has spoken volumes to me of his character. And though the pizza-delivering season was hard and felt like it would never end, it has and I'm excited about the new season that we are entering together. It already feels good to reconnect and see each other more.

Over the last year some of the only time we've had together were trips to the grocery store or staying up until 2:00 in the morning just to be together because he had gotten home late from work. I'm looking forward to more upcoming date nights, weekend adventures, and just eating dinner together as a family. As I write and dream about my hopes for our upcoming year of marriage, I'm curious what the next year will be like for us. We can always plan for things, but often times, life happens and God has other things in mind....

I used to wrinkle my nose and bristle up when people would say things like "Marriage takes work." I thought those people were crazy and maybe they were just in bad marriages or something. And maybe "work" is the wrong word. But marriage does take something! It takes effort, time, compassion, understanding, conflict, resolution, passion, adventure, patience and most importantly love. I'm sure there is much about marriage we have yet to understand or even go through together, but spending five years with the same man has given me the hope that we will make it through anything together because we aren't committed to just staying together because that's the "right" thing to do. We want it to be GOOD and purpose for it to be.

Some of my favorite pictures of us from year 5 of marriage.....

We aren't afraid to kiss in public.
We are totally ourselves. Our gross, weird, selves.
We have an absolute blast together.
If there is such a thing as a "soul-mate," I'm pretty sure we are that for each other. Pictures like this make that completely evident.
We are totally silly. We are hoping that Tommy learns plenty of silly from us.
Life can be really scary. And I'm glad I've got him next to me when things start to freak me out.
Life isn't perfect. But it's rich, full, real, authentic, challenging, tear-full, safe, loving, exciting and full of passion, because it's spent with this man. The man that it is my pride and joy to stand by and call husband as long as we're both alive.

Happy 5th Anniversary babe! I wouldn't want to share my life with anyone else!

The Hope of the Cross

I read something last week in a book that has stayed with me. The words have echoed in my heart and mind over and over again. They are from the book, "Breaking the Idols of Your Heart," by Dan Allender and Tremper Longman.

The second chapter is titled Chasing after Relationships. And after the narrative story portion of each chapter, Longman writes about various idols in our life. And in this chapter specifically, the idol: Relationships can bring me fulfillment.

It sounds good right? I think I always thought that. Especially in my lonelier seasons of life, I was convinced that if I just had a boyfriend or a best girlfriend to hang out with, I would find what I was looking for and feel more fulfilled. And I have those things now. I have a loving husband and more than a handful of dear, precious and wonderful friends. Yet I still feel a measure of unfulfillment.

Honestly, I struggle here a lot. Relationships with my family don't look like I want them to. They are not like what I have hoped for. They aren't close like my heart desires. They are distant, stale, and sometimes pretend. And it grieves my heart almost every day. And while I have changed how I relate and I take steps of loving well and loving boldly, my pain often causes me to stumble. I feel the absence of what I long for and at some point, I became convinced that if the relationships with my family could just look the way that I have hoped them to look, then I would be fulfilled.

A few interesting quotes from this book that has got me looking at the condition of my heart and where I am at in these relationships and how little I know of love.....

"Once we speak words that reveal disappointment, hurt, or desire, then the tenor of the relationship changes. A new level of tension is introduced - and most people don't want that. They prefer conflict-free, undemanding relationships."

When I look at my relationships, the relationships that are the deepest and perhaps where I feel the most loved are the ones that maybe feel more demanding. They need quality time spent together, talks about difficult things and entering into conflict to find resolution. Conflict-free and undemanding relationships are not deep or life-giving, and I am not usually loving others well there.

"For it is in relationship, especially our closest friendships and our marriages, that our lives will be most deeply disturbed....and drawn to the depths of truth about ourselves and God."

As I think about who has deeply disturbed me in this way - faces come to mind. Todd, Tracy, Russ, Ellen, Bethany, Libby, Gary, Mike, Katrina, Anna, Ted....those are just some of the people who have drawn me to the depths of truth about myself and about God. I am grateful for how they have disrupted my heart and how their love and pursuit of me has allowed me to become closer to Jesus.

"We want to be loved, but we find it hard to give love to another unless we get something in return."

This felt hard to read and it hit my heart like a tons of bricks. It has felt overwhelming to sit in the place where I know I am seeking to get something in return for my love - especially when it comes to my family. And though part of me feels like I deserve something from them, it has revealed to me the depravity of my heart and just how little I know of love and how to truly love another. It's hard to love another unless I get something in return. That is true for me - is that true for you?

"Paul describes a heart that loves with passion and depth. First, the apostle tells us that love is patient and kind. It waits for the other, and it does so with concern, not irritability. It waits. It hopes. It loves beauty and justice and does not give in to the petty pleasure of seeing the one who hurt us stumble. Love is the Atlas of the soul; it keeps holding us up. It does not quit; it does not lose memory of connection; it does not kill the dreams of reconciliation."

I'll admit that I sometimes feel like I am losing the memory of connection. I feel like I want to quit and throw in the towel, because really loving someone this way is hard. And am I waiting with concern or irritability? I have been grieved at what I have found in my heart here.

"For it is in the midst of facing how little we love that we are drawn to the wonder of just how much we are loved by God....and the truth of how we can maintain the healthy, intimate relationships we desire so deeply."

Being loved by God is something I have tried to push away for a long time. Several posts ago I wrote about letting God back in to a place in my heart that had been off limits. And since then I have been experiencing His love for me in new ways which has felt both wonderful and overwhelming. For years though, I have fought to let myself even feel loved by God and because of this, it has had an impact on how I am able (and not able) to love others. My ability to love well is directly tied to how I am experiencing God's love for me, just as I am. Oh how much I have missed out on with Him.....

"The wonder is that the more these relationships grow, the more we come to understand what real love is really about. Only relationship with Christ can give us that above-the-sun possibility."

I have looked for relational fulfillment in almost every relationship I've ever had. And I've been met with hurt and disappointment, every single time. I feel ambivalent about knowing that the only relationship that can provide me with what I am really looking for, is Christ. It feels unfair and it feels glorious too. I guess I'm longing for Eden. I'm longing for perfection. I'm longing for relationships to be as they were designed to be, but they can't because we aren't in the garden. We are not in heaven. We are here and this is simply not HOME.

"There will be a day of reconciliation for those whose lives are covered by the hope of the cross. Our deepest desire in relationship, intimate oneness, will be perfectly and gloriously fulfilled."

I wept after I read this. This is the quote that has been echoing in my heart all week long. There WILL be a day of reconciliation, because my life is covered by the hope of what Jesus did on the cross.

There will be a day when I can see my mom face-to-face and embrace like we never have before. There will be a day when I can see my brother's face and hear his laugh again. There will be a day when I can jump up and down and dance with my Grandparents whose aging bodies don't allow for such a thing now. There will be a day when my family is reconciled to me in the way that I have always desired and hoped for. There will be a day. And only because my life is covered by the hope of the cross. My hope is not covered by my family, nor my husband, nor any deep or wonderful friendship I have here.

Relationships here cannot and will not bring me fulfillment. There is much about them to be enjoyed and delighted in and there is much life to be shared in them. The really good relationships are the ones that continue to draw me to the heart of God. Yet, I will never experience here what it is my heart is truly longing for. There is only one relationship that can bring my heart fulfillment. And a little bit more each day I am opening up to receiving the love He has for me.

I deeply desire for my life, my heart, my relationships, my everything to be covered by the hope of the cross.

A Day in the Life

Wake up. Get ready. Take way too long on deciding on what outfit makes me look the smallest. Put my hair up. Accessorize. Eat a bowl of cereal. Brush my teeth.

Drive in traffic.

Realize I forgot my lunch and ask Todd to bring it.

Get to work. Try to keep up with my boss. Check e-mails. Reply to e-mails. Crunch numbers. Write checks. Transfer money. Pay bills. Enter more bills. Generate invoices. Configure sales tax. Work on SBA forms. Make new files. Answer a few calls.

Check Facebook. Read a few blogs. Balance our checkbook. Eat lunch.

Get into severely hot car and burn hands on steering wheel. Make a mental note that window tinting is kind of a must. Thank the Lord for air conditioning.

Get to other job. Pay bills. Reconcile accounts. Configure stupid certified payroll.

Head home.

Check mail. Tommy's birthday invitations arrived!

Microwave a blah dinner. Acknowledge that I'm eating because I'm hungry and need fuel and not for any other reason. Give myself an invisible gold star because I'm awesome and seeing progress.

Play with Tommy. Build blocks. Play with cars. Hide under the blanket and make silly faces. Chase him around the house. Listen to him say "Hi sugar!"

Call Grammy. Make plans for Auntie's visit. Listen to Tommy say, "Grammy! Grammy!"

Get Tommy ready for bed. Read Ten Wriggly Wiggly Caterpillars and Ten Little Ladybugs and Gallop and our ABC's book. Sing our usual songs - there are four. Say our prayers. Brush his teeth. Kiss him goodnight. Turn out the light and close the door.

Pick up cars and blocks and books and flags and shoes and clothes and Elmo's and shoes that never seem to stay in my closet.

Spruce up the guest bedroom. Make the bed. Concoct an interesting window treatment using bandannas.

Sort the laundry. Throw away the trash. Water the trees.

Write a blog.

Do my workout. Take a shower. Paint my toenails. Read a chapter of my book.

Catch up on the day with Todd. Give him a kiss. Or two or three or four. Read our devotional. Say some prayers.

Turn out the light. And good night.

Over and Done

"Honey, how are you feeling knowing that this is your last shift ever at Papa Johns?!"
Todd quit on Saturday. It was time to be done. And though working one more month would of left us in a more "secure" place financially, we decided it was just time.

Nine long months of pizza delivering. Nine long months of spending the majority of my weekends alone and without him. Nine long months of minimal family time. Nine long months of finding scraps of time together. Nine long months of arranging my social calendar without him. Nine long months of him feeling physically exhausted. Nine long months....

Interesting how the same amount of time takes for a baby to grow and to be born. I'm excited about what will be birthed out of the nine long months it took for us to get here. Either way, there is much LIFE to be had and celebrated now that we are over and done with the pizza delivering season of our lives!!!

My Summer to-do List

I was inspired by a blog post I read the other day to compile a list of some things I would like to do this summer.

Summer tends to come and go and I find myself staying inside and complaining about the heat and missing out on fun times or not knowing what to do with my time. And it does get HOT here so being outside for long periods of time isn't always an option just because it's not good for my body to have that much heat or sun.

And though I am working more these days, I still do have plenty of down time on evenings and long weekends. So I have decided to be purposeful about my spare time this summer and hope to get some or maybe even all of these things done.

I'm giving myself until September 5th (Labor Day) to complete the following:

1) Have a picnic at Landa Park in New Braunfels.

2) Watch Fireworks on the 4th of July. (I always say I will and then never do!)

3) Have an extravagant date night out with Todd.

4) Make a new friend (or two) at church.

5) Take Tommy to the "Bay of Play" at Seaworld.

6) Go fishing with Todd.

7) Take a walk on the beach.

8) Take an entire day for myself by doing whatever I want to do.

9) Go shopping for something beautiful and red to wear at Shelley's wedding.

10) Drive up to Austin and spend a day with Kathi. And maybe Jenni too?

11) Go wine tasting with my friend Kelly.

12) Start scrapbooking 2008 pictures since I am way behind!

13) Start my fall art project for the dining room (so it's done come decorating time in September!)

14) Make-over my family picture wall in the living room.

15) Find the perfect pillows for our couches.

16) Finish reading the following books - Bold Love, A Sacred Sorrow & Breaking Idols of the Heart.

17) Arrange a margarita style girls night out.

18) Journal SOMETHING every day - and remember that blog posts don't count.

19) Go out for a morning breakfast with Todd and Tommy.

20) Host a BBQ/Game night for friends.

I am going to put my list up at home and check back in before Labor Day to see how many of these things I got done!

What does your summer list look like?

Word Finder

It's hard to find the words,
when the God you thought you knew
takes you by surprise.

It's hard to find the words,
when you've stopped numbing out
and you're feeling the pain of it all.

It's hard to find the words,
when you're no longer using addiction
to escape the pain of complete loss.

It's hard to find the words,
when you're desperate to hold on
and maybe He's saying to just let go.

It's hard to find the words,
when God doesn't make sense.
and He rarely ever does.

It's hard to find the words,
when you want to be wanted
and the ones you want to want you, don't.

It's hard to find the words,
when your heart is overcome with grief
and missing someone who isn't here.

It's hard to find the words,
when something you've longed for forever,
finally becomes awakened.

It's hard to find the words,
when you're feeling overwhelmed
and full of emotion.

It's hard to find the words,
when you know that the truth
won't be well received.

It's hard to find the words,
when you feel so alive and free
and only a few people speak your language.

It's hard to find the words,
when you have so much to say
and you feel like you can't.

Hello June!

It feels like there is a lot to look forward to this June. My calendar is full of activity and I'm excited about the coming weeks ahead. Summer is in full swing in my world! I'm looking forward to some of these things....

Taking dinner to friends who just a darling baby girl.

Celebrating our 5th wedding anniversary.

My best friend's 30th birthday.

Going to a birthday party for my friend's little girl, Addie.

My father-in-laws birthday, which means Tiffany will be coming into town!

Attending a sales tax workshop. (Not so exciting, but it is on my calendar).

A trip out of town with my hubby to Houston. Looking forward to some US time!!!

And we'll be in Houston for Shelley's wedding festivities and Shelley's wedding!

Father's Day.

Will be at my job one year this month and should hopefully get a pay-raise. (o:

Singing on worship team once or twice.

Aunt Laura's visit! (She's here from Africa for a short stay at the end of the month!!!!)

The end of pizza delivering for Todd!!

What are you looking forward to this month?