Sunkissed

I forgot that my hair got lighter when I spent a lot of time in the sun. It's lighter brown right now.

I forgot what it looked like for my skin to have some color from being outside. I almost have a tan.

I forgot what it felt like to swim and play in the water. It feels GREAT.

I forgot what it felt like to wear a pair of shorts. I bought a pair last night. My first pair in about four years.

I forgot what the smell of sunscreen was like. Something about it is sweet and reminds me of wonderful childhood memories.

I forgot that the days are so long in the summer and I can be outside until almost 9:00 and have it still be daylight. And I have been.

I forgot what it felt like to play and run. There has been much playtime.

I forgot how much the summer makes me want ice-cream cones and lemonade. Yum!

I forgot how good it felt to feel cool grass in between my toes.

However, I do remember doing all of these things in other summers of my life. Somewhere along the way I started to forget what it felt like to just have fun and not only enjoy summer, but to enjoy my life.

I think mostly shame has kept me indoors these last several years. The shame I've felt over my size and my body mostly. I've allowed it to dictate what I do and when I do it. I've allowed what others could possibly be thinking of me get in the way of what I have really wanted to do. I have stayed indoors and hid for years. And this summer, I've come out of hiding.

And I may still have a ways to go yet with the weight I'd like to lose, but I'm not letting it get in the way anymore of me living in the here and the now. I'm not really focusing on pounds lost - I know there has been loss. I see it, I feel it, I notice it. Yet not being a slave to the scale or to a diet has allowed me to really find change and transformation within myself. And it's not just showing up in my clothes. It's showing up in my face and my laughter and all of this new-found energy I have.

I am enjoying life, enjoying the body I am in, and enjoying every ounce of summer there is to be had. And not just because I am free from shame, but just because I am FREE.

I'm not forgetting anymore. I am remembering. And living.