I always wanted to always be in love. For there to always be flirting and romance and kissing and dancing to Christmas music in the street on cold December nights. It was my teenage dream to be always in love.
I observed relationships and couples and marriages at an early age. Intensely watching how couples interacted with each other. How closely they sat together, if they held hands, if they exchanged knowing glances or shamelessly flirted. Or if they seemed tense or distant or bit at each other with sarcasm or shortness. I made long mental lists of do's and dont's and what I wanted and didn't want when I was married someday.
So much of my perspective shifted though when love did find me and I became married. I wouldn't say that I was completely disillusioned about what marriage would be like, but there is so much you simply can't know until you've been married for a few years and when doing life with another human being gets real or complicated or tiring. It's not like the movies and it's not even like what you've observed in others your whole life. It becomes unique for the two of you and what you share together is it's very own melody, distinct from anything else you've heard before.
I've had to learn that disappointment is a part of marriage, as it is a part of any relationship. That my husband won't get everything, do everything, and be everything I've ever wanted or hoped or dreamed for. There will always be a void in his ability to love me and show that love - the same is true for me. And I've learned that just because something feels bad in one place, doesn't mean that the whole marriage is bad. Just that certain parts of a relationship need some care and attention and maybe even some "work."
The weekend provided some closeness for the two of us. And it wasn't anything out of the ordinary, but my heart deeply felt how closely connected he and I are together. Where there is deep love and passion and flirting. Friday night wasn't just date night. It was sharing chocolate ice-cream pie over conversation where we did some dreaming and hoping and talking about what is to come. It was holding hands while going to see the new James Bond movie - a genre of movies we both equally love. Saturday wasn't just a small road trip, but a time to be still and hold hands and laugh together at the silly things our little boy always says.
There were several moments that allowed us the ability to really connect and enjoy each other and I ate up ever ounce of the feeling that was there. The feeling that is still there between he and I. Where I think he's amazingly handsome and he finds me sexy and we laugh and enjoy and talk like we did at the very beginning of us when we first fell in love six November's ago.
When we can take a few moments for us and take a step back from the things in our life that feel heavy or hard - it's there. That always in love thing. Sometimes we lose sight of it. Some days, life steals it away. But it's there. And I'm reminded that even though it looks different than I ever thought it would, I really do have what I always wanted.