Day 16: Difficulties

Today's prompt:  Something difficult about your lot in life and how you're working to overcome it.

I debated on going here.  But as I thought about my "lot in life" it was the only thing that kept coming back to me.  I'm overweight.  And the other "O" word I hate even more - I'm obese.

You see, I decided a while back that I wasn't going to write on my blog anymore about my weight.  For one, it feels kinder to myself to not write about it.  I think for a long time I was trying to explain myself to the world so that strangers and even some friends, might understand why I am the way that I am.  I was so insecure about my body, that I felt like I needed to constantly be sending the world the message, that "Hey - yes, I know I'm fat and I'm trying to work on this!" 

But at the end of the day, why I haven't written about it in such a long time, is because mostly, it feels irrelevant.  I'm simply not obsessed with trying to prove something anymore - but more importantly, I'm simply not obsessed with food.

At the beginning of 2011 I started seeing an eating disorder specialist and I went to see her for an entire year.  It was some of the best money I ever spent on myself, and was definitely the care that I needed for a life-long battle with disordered eating.  She gave me some tools to basically retrain my brain on how to eat and live with food in normal ways.  Because of it, I have experienced more freedom in this place than I ever thought possible.

Since the very end of that year, I have been consistently normal with food.  Meaning, I abide by the healthy mantra of eating she taught me of "three meals a day, and life in between."  I may not always make the best choices, but I've been getting better at consciously choosing healthier meals and adding in more fruits and vegetables in to those meals.

I really have felt free though.  I don't binge anymore.  Occasionally, I'll overeat by a few bites if I've had something extra tasty.  But, my eating is very normal.  My relationship with food is by far the healthiest it's ever been - I see it for what it is - food.  Nourishment.  Fuel.  Sometimes, very tasty and delicious fuel - but fuel, nonetheless.

After having Jacob, I think I was hoping that the weight would melt off of me.  I didn't even again the weight equivalent to what he was born weighing and I was hopeful that after my pregnancy, the weight would finally start going down.  I haven't gotten on the scales in while, but all of my clothes fit the same way, and I'm still in the same size that I've been for ages.  It feels confusing and not fair and on the really bad days, I wonder what the point has ever been to eat normally and make healthier choices. 

However, the really bad days don't look like giving up and going back to unhealthy habits and violent behaviors.  Those are the places I see huge progress and want to give myself a major-high-five because I finally can be discouraged about it and NOT harm myself with food.  For someone like me who would do that, and did for umpteen years, this is kind of a major deal.

Though my schedule feels scheduled to the minute these days, I try and go for a walk or something whenever some time opens up.  And I'm not using it as an excuse - this working full time, with two kids thing is still kicking my butt and I'm trying to figure out how life is supposed to work everyday.  Finding that balance of caring for my family, myself, my home, my husband, ministry, work and so on - sheesh!  I want to exercise and I'm still trying to figure out how to work that in to everything else - my body, my heart, my everything, needs it!

All that to say, I hate that it feels like my current weight doesn't match my lifestyle anymore.  My current figure doesn't match how I eat, how I live, how I think, or how I move.  I'm sure a radical diet or even surgery could help me - but at the moment, I don't think that those are options that would be a kind choice for me.

I may be overweight, I may be the other detestable "o" word - but I don't let it define me.  Regardless, I know what shape my heart is in, I know I make different choices, I know I am kind and that I eat normally - I know that I'm different and that I've changed, and maybe, hopefully, my body will reflect that on the outside too.