My Party Dress

It felt fitting to have a dress for this wedding, this friendship, this celebration - it felt like it was time. And when I actually found a dress to wear, I knew without a shadow of a doubt it was time.

I brought my back-up outfit just in case something happened and I didn't think I could go through with it. My dressy, but non-dress-outfit was waiting in the closet in case I felt like I needed to put it on instead. I didn't want to be stuck without a wedding appropriate outfit in case something awful happened and shut me down. I felt like I needed to be prepared, and I was.

There is something about wearing a dress that is just different from any other kind of outfit. It's even different than a skirt. It's a more feminine declaration of who a woman is. It's been a declaration that I've been wary of making because of how I have felt about myself in the past.

Over the years, there is been much damage done to my femininity - and a lot of that has been self-inflicted. I've looked at where I joined evil in being out to destroy my beauty. And refusing to wear a dress has been one of the places I have done that. It's where I have remained hidden. It's where I have agreed with evil that I wasn't worth that level of femininity or beauty. It's where I let my insecurities define me and no one could talk me into even trying one on, much less wearing one.

Evil whispered to me much of the weekend. "You are going to look ridiculous in that dress. You don't even belong here. Wear the other outfit. You know that dress will look horrible on you - it was a fluke that you liked in in the dressing room. People will think you look awful. Someone will make fun of you behind your back. Don't wear that dress." Yes, evil's whispers were persistent.

Yet I recognized the voice. It wasn't mine. And it wasn't the voice of my Father. So I decided to ignore it. I decided to disagree with what it had to say. It feels so very empowering to remember that I have a choice and that I get to decide how I am going to live my life.

The back-up outfit remained in the closet the entire weekend.

I wore that dress. And I rocked it out! Isn't it fun?! It felt very "me." And it was perfect for the occasion. I am only now wondering where I can wear this to so I can wear it again!
Todd arrived at the church after me as I got ready with the bride and the bridesmaids that evening. As I walked down the hallway to meet him, I began to cry. His face for me was everything that I had hoped it would be. He looked at me with his adoring eyes and held me tightly in his arms and told me of my beauty and his love for me. He has missed seeing me in a dress and I loved that I was able to let myself be enjoyed by him that night.

Later in the evening, I invited my husband out on to the dance floor with me. He got out there and spun me around - I even taught him how to do a fun line dance. And later we shared a slow dance together. My dress got plenty of twirling action. I love that Shelley's reception pictures will include those of us dancing. That makes me smile.

I'm not sure what Todd's expression is about in this picture, haha, but we had such a fun time together.
God makes all things new - in His time. And it was finally time for me to put on a party dress, and dance the night away.

THIS SONG feels fitting for where I am right now..He makes beautiful things.

Thank you sweet Jesus for pictures of redemption that remind me of your goodness, unfailing love and relentless pursuit of my heart. I love You.

The Beautiful Bride

Shelley and I had an interesting start to our friendship. I first remember seeing her in church one Sunday morning. She was wearing a brown sundress and had this gorgeous long, blonde hair. And what interested me about her was how she worshipped. And while I should have been worshipping and singing myself, I was captivated by her abandon in worship and how she was clearly in love with God. I knew that day that I wanted to know this young woman.

Quite a bit of time after that first encounter, I found myself sitting next to her at a Bible study and tried to strike up a conversation. I don't even remember what happened or what led to it, but it was a train wreck of a conversation. I am pretty sure I put my foot in my mouth and said something just totally wrong and then I completely shut down, as did she. It was very awkward and we sat next to one another the rest of that night in silence.

After a few days passed, I sent her a note apologizing for what I had said and what happened and explaining to her what had been going on for me. Again, I can't remember what was said, but an apology was in order. I had so wanted to get to know her and that conversation had gone terribly wrong. She wrote back with a very gracious reply and accepted my apology. We were able to meet up for conversation and coffee, and thus began a wonderful friendship. I am so grateful that she was willing to forgive me and that a friendship was able to blossom out of such an awkward start.

Our friendship exists on this deep and intimate level. I can't tell you what her favorite color is or her favorite kind of music, but I could tell you about her heart and her longings and desires and her story - that was how we knew one another. There were weekends where she would come and stay and we would just talk and enjoy conversation and coffee. I always felt rejuvenated after spending time in her presence. She left me feeling as though I had just encountered some wonderful thing and being with her always left my heart full.

Her marriage was something to celebrate. And last weekend, there was much celebrating.
We danced and sang and talked and cried. It was a lovely time.
Friday night after the rehearsal dinner, we sat together at a table and let out squeals that tomorrow was going to be the day she was getting married. Shelley's story is not mine to share. But as I thought about her, I was reminded of redemption and how Jesus is the Great Redeemer. The three of us (Shelley, her best friend and maid of honor Heather, and myself) sat in this moment as we all remembered what God had done. Only He could make her story this beautiful.

And oh. It was beautiful indeed. From her dress, to the ceremony, and the dancing - it was all so very beautiful. When the preacher announced them as husband and wife, she lifted her hand in worship - one of the many times I had tears that day. It took me back to the first Sunday morning that I saw her, and it was such an honor to be there and witness this glorious marriage ceremony take place.
A picture of redemption. Glorious, beautiful, amazing redemption. Only God can create pictures like this. My friend Shelley and her wonderful husband.
More to come this week on redemption as there was a bit of that this weekend for me as well....

Reconnecting

There is much to write and be said about the weekend we spent in the Houston area over the weekend. It was fun and memorable. Glorious tears were shed, glorious laughs were laughed and wonderful memories were made. It was an honor to be there and celebrate with the bride.

Today however, I am tired and worn out and needing about 78 million hours more of sleep.

I am also remembering what the weekend felt like to just be with my husband. More time than expected was allowed for us to just be together. We went swimming, we took naps, we went shopping, we ate out - we were just together. And reconnecting never felt so sweet. It was exactly what we needed and it was the best way to end the pizza delivering season and enter into something new.

We love Tommy and he is a wonderful, ever-present part of our lives. However, the weekend allowed the time for us just to be husband and wife instead of daddy and mommy. Though we thought of him often - like how much he would have loved the beaver hats at Buccee's.
(Sidenote: Isn't my tan frickin' awesome?!)
More will come about the weekend. But for today I am remembering the sweetness of reconnection. And relishing in the precious time we got to spend together.

Appreciation

One year ago yesterday was my first day at my new job. I think the time has gone by faster because for most of that time, I was only working as a part-time employee. My work isn't anything special - I do lots of busy bookkeeping work, and attempt to keep things as organized as possible around here. But I love my boss and the people I work with and it makes the fact that I need to work full-time now so much more enjoyable.

My co-workers surprised me yesterday with some tokens of appreciation.
Flowers, a card and cake!
I'm so blessed and grateful to be at this job. I smile at the thought of what God had in store for me after leaving my last job. He knew what I needed and right where I needed to be even though I was sure He was nuts. And being appreciated feels like the icing on top of that cake!

Todd and I leave later this morning for our weekend trip to Houston. I'm excited about all of the fun weekend events and getting to spend some one on one time with my man too.

Happy Thursday everyone!

Hot pink hair and other things

So I've been blogging for a little over four years now. And I was wondering the other day if there was anything that the blogworld possibly doesn't know about me yet. Is there anything left that I haven't shared? Well, I think I came up with a few things....

I've always wanted hot pink hair. Yes, it's true. I have an inner-rock star somewhere in me just dying to get out I suppose. I think I was just struck with the "wild and crazy" gene. To clarify, I don't really want an entire head of hot pink hair - maybe just the tips perhaps. And I wouldn't keep it forever, I just want it to for a little while. I still have much convincing to do to make my husband see that this would be a fun idea. Even though it would be very temporary, he doesn't like the idea. *sigh*

I'm intimidated by meringues. I consider myself to be a pretty decent cook and somewhat of a skilled baker. However, I have never in my life attempted any kind of meringue pie. I have had to make things before that need to "peak" and do them successfully, but something about meringues make me feel inadequate and I'm afraid I'll mess it up. And since I don't really like meringue pies that much anyway, I have like no motivation to even try. Ha!

I LOVE the show Storage Wars. Have you seen this show on A&E? These people go to storage unit auctions and bid on them and they can keep or sell whatever they find in them. I love seeing what they do or don't find in the units. I find it absolutely riveting television!

I absolutely HATE to be called Jenny. First, let me explain, that it's not that I don't like the name. I have friends named Jenni or Jenny and that doesn't bother me at all. It's just me - I'm not a Jenny - never have been. And if someone ever calls me Jenny I usually quickly correct them and tell them that it's Jenn or Jennifer. As a side note, my Grammy has a pet name for me and calls me "Denny," which sounds much like Jenny. But since she is my Grammy and says it with such love and sweetness, I let it slide.

I haven't worn a dress in four years. I think the last time I wore a dress, was for my Grandparent's 50th Anniversary. I didn't like the dress much, and more than that, I didn't like how I looked in it. I think not wearing dresses or skirts is another place that I've allowed myself to hide. Though I dress very femininely in cute blouses and shoes, I've allowed shame to keep me out of wearing a dress because I've been ashamed of my figure. I would love to wear dresses, I just don't. HOWEVER. Yes, there is a big however.

I am going to my friend's wedding this weekend - we leave tomorrow for a big wedding weekend extravaganza. And I am so excited. I am part of her "house party" and initially I was planning on wearing something red, and the only thing I had was a fun red top and some black dress pants. But yesterday, I decided to brave the stores and try on some dresses - just for kicks. Just to see if maybe I could find one. I took a handful of several fun dresses into the fitting room and looked at myself in the mirror and literally gave myself a pep-talk. I reminded myself to be kind, that I'm making progress, and I don't have to get a dress - this is just for "fun."

To my amazement, every dress I tried on not only fit, but they all kind of looked good on me. In fact, I was torn between two dresses. I decided on the one that felt more fun and more like me. And I got it!!! I think it looks so fun on me and I can't wait to dance in it! It continues to be a transforming kind of summer - dancing, swimming, shorts, swimsuits, dresses - wow!

I'm going to wait to post a picture of my new DRESS until I after I wear it to the wedding this weekend - just to keep you in suspense. And FYI - it would go really well with hot pink hair....*sigh*

Sunkissed

I forgot that my hair got lighter when I spent a lot of time in the sun. It's lighter brown right now.

I forgot what it looked like for my skin to have some color from being outside. I almost have a tan.

I forgot what it felt like to swim and play in the water. It feels GREAT.

I forgot what it felt like to wear a pair of shorts. I bought a pair last night. My first pair in about four years.

I forgot what the smell of sunscreen was like. Something about it is sweet and reminds me of wonderful childhood memories.

I forgot that the days are so long in the summer and I can be outside until almost 9:00 and have it still be daylight. And I have been.

I forgot what it felt like to play and run. There has been much playtime.

I forgot how much the summer makes me want ice-cream cones and lemonade. Yum!

I forgot how good it felt to feel cool grass in between my toes.

However, I do remember doing all of these things in other summers of my life. Somewhere along the way I started to forget what it felt like to just have fun and not only enjoy summer, but to enjoy my life.

I think mostly shame has kept me indoors these last several years. The shame I've felt over my size and my body mostly. I've allowed it to dictate what I do and when I do it. I've allowed what others could possibly be thinking of me get in the way of what I have really wanted to do. I have stayed indoors and hid for years. And this summer, I've come out of hiding.

And I may still have a ways to go yet with the weight I'd like to lose, but I'm not letting it get in the way anymore of me living in the here and the now. I'm not really focusing on pounds lost - I know there has been loss. I see it, I feel it, I notice it. Yet not being a slave to the scale or to a diet has allowed me to really find change and transformation within myself. And it's not just showing up in my clothes. It's showing up in my face and my laughter and all of this new-found energy I have.

I am enjoying life, enjoying the body I am in, and enjoying every ounce of summer there is to be had. And not just because I am free from shame, but just because I am FREE.

I'm not forgetting anymore. I am remembering. And living.

I wanna celebrate and live my life!!!

Whew. What a weekend! It was one of those super-fun-non-stop, go-go-go kinds of weekends. Yet it was an absolute blast.

Friday, Tommy and I spent the day with some friends in New Braunfels at this amazing place called "The Island." It's kind of like paradise. It's a beautiful stretch of land in the middle of a river. You can swim, float, and canoe and there are places to grill and lay out. Tommy and I played in a shallow area of water perfect for kiddoes his size. We had a blast!
Any day where he can play in the water and be outside is a great day. He loved filling his truck with river rocks!
However, he wasn't too keen on the idea of taking a picture with me to document how much fun we had together.
Saturday we went to a birthday party for our friend Addie. We played with balloons and ate cupcakes and made everyone laugh.
Saturday evening, we hosted a birthday shin-dig at our house for my very long time friend Sarah. I set a few things out to make it fun and festive.
I baked like the yummiest chocolate-chocolate cake in the entire world.
Her husband Dave drove her around town blind-folded and wouldn't tell her where he was taking her. So when he brought her into our house, she had no clue where she was at.
SURPRISE!
We ate fajitas and played some games - chicken feet - a long time favorite of hers and mine too!
We have been friends for officially half of our lives now. We met when we were 15 years old and it's kind of amazing that we are still friends and are involved in one another's lives all these years later. It was such a joy to celebrate her and it's such a blessing to have her as one of my closest and best friends.

Something else that made the weekend extra special was my sister-in-law came in to town to celebrate my father-in-law's birthday. And it wouldn't be an outing unless we posed for a few random pictures.
We had a big meat-fest at Todd's parent's house.
And later on in the evening, there were plenty of shenanigans with a play micro-phone. The best part of the day was not recorded in pictures however. Tiffany and I started dancing to my current life theme-song and started our own little party. Which then carried on outside. We jammed out to the radio and got everyone dancing, including her parents. An absolute amazing, hilarious time considering I never expected to see my husband's parents "shake it like a Polaroid pitcha!" It was kind of awesome and it was fun to see that I was able to invite them to let loose and party a little bit.
As for me and this guy, we are going to be celebrating our anniversary in Houston this coming weekend - so excited!

It was a full, fun, life-filled weekend. Hope yours was too!