I'm leavin' on a jet plane....

But I do know when I'll be back again. Hopefully Saturday May 7th, when my flight is scheduled to arrive back home.

I'll be in Michigan for an entire week for The Journey, which is put on by Open Hearts Ministry. I attended this conference in 2007, and I'm going back to go through the second book - for myself and to receive additional training so that I can help lead and facilitate these groups at home.

The week is intense and very full, but I am looking forward to all of it!

My only anxieties are the usual flying-by-myself worries and leaving Tommy for an entire week. It will be the longest I've ever been away from him and my mama heart is aching a little bit at the thought of not seeing his precious little face every day - I'm worried he will think I've left him forever and he will be confused as to where I went. I've been told these worries are "normal" at least, but it's offered little consolation. I will miss him terribly regardless. *sigh*

I leave dark and early on Sunday morning and should be in Michigan by the afternoon. So me and my little blog will be MIA until the following week.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to figure out how to fit my entire closet in to one very small looking suitcase.

Bullet points

- Lists are everywhere right now. I've been thriving off of lists the last few days. It's been a long while since I've been on a trip, especially by myself, for this period of time. There have been things-to-get lists, things-to-do lists, things-to-remember-for-Tommy lists, honey-do lists, grocery lists, packing lists, things-to-get-done-at-work lists....I guess I've been a little list happy. But it's been necessary for me to keep myself sane with all there is to do before I go.

- I had a terrible nightmare and it woke me up this morning shaking and sweating. I even started crying when Todd got up to use the bathroom and left me alone in bed. It was a horrible, horrible dream and I haven't woken up feeling that scared or fearful in a very long time.

- Because I woke up so early and never went back to sleep, I'm a little more clumsy than usual. So much so, that I spilled half of my coffee all over myself this morning at work. I am walking around covered in splattered stains today. Classy. Though I smell very mochaey.

- I finished cleaning and organizing our second bedroom and it's all ready for Tiffany to come and stay. It was quite an undertaking, but our guest bedroom actually looks like a guest could stay in it and feel comfortable. Aside from the ram's head that stares at you while you sleep.

- I successfully made banana bread and mini-banana bread muffins yesterday. I over-baked my first batch a couple of months ago and redeemed myself this go around. It's moist and delicious and very perfect.

- Tommy went swimming yesterday at a friend's apartment, and he smelled like sunscreen the rest of the day. I LOVE that smell.

- The world's best boss is leaving The Office tonight. I've cried at the last few new episodes and I'm sure tonight won't be any exception. Michael Scott will be greatly missed! I tried to have a marathon of the show all by myself and only got through the second disc of Season Two. The episode where he burns his foot on his Foreman grill is still one of my all time favorites.

- I've been thinking about boundaries quite a bit. It kind of feels exhausting to always keep putting them in place and I guess I wish they weren't necessary. But they kind of are when we make it a point to take care of ourselves and our hearts. I guess I just wish relationships in general were easier to navigate through.

- We found a place for Tommy to attend a home daycare as I will start working full-time again when I get back from Michigan. The lady is from England and she has a precious little girl and her daycare is in my neighborhood. I immediately felt comfortable and at ease and I think Tommy is going to be very happy there a couple of days a week!

- Tomorrow is going to feel like a crazy day. Visiting a friend from Alaska in the morning, work in the afternoon to finish everything up, laundry, trip to the grocery store, getting Tiffany settled in...and here I go with the lists again!

Houseguest

I am leaving town on Sunday for a whole week. And preparing for being gone that length of time seems to be requiring much planning.

I have to get things in order at work for both jobs - which is proving to be quite an undertaking. I have to make sure that there is food in the house and I need to plan meals for my husband and son so that they don't live on Chickfila or peanut butter sandwiches the entire time I'm gone. I have to pre-make my Mother's Day gifts that I had planned so that they're ready for the Sunday I am back in town, and I have yet to get started! And then there's the task of picking out a week's worth of clothes and packing them into a suitcase that hopefully won't cost an arm and a leg to check. And a friend of mine is in town visiting from Alaska....and the list goes on!

In addition to all of that, I am cleaning out and preparing our second bedroom as we'll have a houseguest staying with us for the next two weeks.

So who is staying with us?

Tommy's Aunt Tiffy. (He ADORES her. Can you tell?)
My favorite sister-in-law in the entire world is moving to the Dallas/Ft. Worth area on May 14th and she needed a place to stay after he lease was up so she could tie up loose ends here in San Antonio. Any moments that I've given to think about her leaving have resulted in tears.

Tiffany is one of my best friends. We have been close ever since we met and even before I was officially part of her family. I'm slightly disappointed that I won't be here for the first week of her stay, but I am a bit relieved that there will be a woman in the house while I'm away to make sure my favorite guys are well cared for in my absence.

We have a night out planned for the two of us before she heads off. I'm excited about it and I'm also sad because it means she is leaving.
In the meantime there are new sheets to buy, and a room to finish organizing before she moves in for the next two weeks. And trying to figure out how to explain to my little boy why Aunt Tiffy won't be coming over anymore. We are going to miss her....

TEN

I was given an assignment last week. To find 10 - TEN - things that I love about my body. As it is right now.

*sigh*

I told my friend that she was crazy and that no woman of any size or any shape could come up with TEN things. Then she told me her list of TEN things and that apparently, some women indeed can come up with TEN things. Much resistance has come with this as I've thought about it. I can think of TEN things I don't like about my body as it is right now, but TEN things that I do?

For someone who has struggled with self-contempt and self-loathing most of her life, I've realized why this is such a challenge for me. Coming to a point where I love who I am as a person - my traits, my laugh, my interests and likes, and all of the things that make me who I am - that has felt like a big enough hurdle to get over. And I know that I still struggle there. But I have found that I no longer have hatred for myself at the core of who I am and who I was created to be.

It's much easier to hate my shell and the body that I am in instead. That is not kind either and no one should sit and hate on their bodies even if they are need of improvement - myself included. To appreciate myself physically is hard when there is so much that is flawed from an eating disorder that has been with me for the majority of my life.

Of course my husband was easily able to point out more than TEN things he loved about my body. In doing this, I learned he had a thing for my calves and I found that somewhat amusing. He thinks they are muscular and sexy and I don't think I would have ever labeled them as such.

I braved a mirror and took a long look at my body. I looked at the places where my eating disorder has done it's damage, at the places that seem to be untouched, and at the places that look in progress as I continue to live in healthier ways. And to my own amazement, I found ten things that I actually love about my body right now.

And here they are in no particular order:

(And no worries. This is all totally G-rated).

1) I LOVE my nose. Always have. I think it's shaped pretty and I would never want it to change.

2) I LOVE my feet. Other than the 9 months that I was pregnant, my feet have never betrayed me. They stay slim and pretty and they look nice in all kinds of shoes. I have a toe ring on the second toe of each foot and my nails are almost always painted red.

3) I LOVE my smile. My teeth are straight, I have great lips - my smile makes other people smile. I look friendly and personable and my smile reminds me of my mom.

4) I LOVE the mole under my left eye. When I was a very little girl I remember being in the bathroom with my mom getting ready to go somewhere. She told me that the mole under my left eye was a "beauty mark." She compared it to Cindy Crawford. And even though I was maybe six or seven years old at the time, that never left me. I remember feeling as if I had been marked with beauty and because of the beautiful way she described it to me, the mole under my left eye has always made me smile. It's my beauty mark!

5) I LOVE my eyes. They change colors. They remind me of people in my family who's eyes that I share. I get complimented on my eyes a lot, but I love them because they sparkle and glow. And when I cry they become fiercely green.

6) I LOVE the new tattoo on my neck. Maybe it's not an actual body part, but it's ON my body so I've decided this counts. I love what it means to me, I love its reminder and I love that it's a part of my physical appearance now.

7) I LOVE my hips. They've seemed to remain just the right size.

8) I LOVE my wrists. They feel small and dainty and when I put a bracelet on them, they look even prettier.

9) I LOVE my hair. Even though I'm starting to pop up with a few gray hairs here and there, it's shiny and brown and healthy. I've come to love my natural color and how it almost always does what I want it to.

10) I LOVE the muscles in my biceps. Since I've started exercising more regularly, I have some awesome muscles in my upper arms that look toned. It makes me feel buff and healthy or something.

I keep taking continued steps to not only believing my true identity in Christ, but loving who that person is. And not just on the inside, but the outside as well. It feels good to recognize progress and change where there once only existed hatred and shame.

I have a long way to go. I would love to one day be able to love other things about my body. But I also recognize that finding TEN things that I currently love feels like a big deal and is worth celebrating.

Can you name what things you love about your body - as it is, right now, today? Please share!

The Easter that ended in a water fight

How can any Easter not be a good Easter when you've found these incredible sandals to wear? Steve Madden kind of made my entire weekend when I found these. I was kind of sure I couldn't go on living if I didn't have them.
I put together an Easter basket for Tommy. I never got a basket growing up and I've decided that one of the perks to being a parent is getting to relive childhood again through having your own kids. Even though it was his basket, I had fun picking out toys and treats I thought he might enjoy.
Though come Easter morning, he had a look of confusion on his face. "What is this stuff mama?"
And this photo was my favorite. They were just Matchbox cars, but you would think I'd given him the weirdest looking present ever based on his facial expression.
Then he finally gets it and understands how FUN his Easter basket is. And all is well in the world.
Church was great. Our Pastor talked about redemption and invited a few people to share some pieces of their story where they experienced redemption and new life in Christ. It was lovely and rich and very fitting for Easter. We took communion also and that has become a favorite thing of mine. Todd and I do part of it in silence and the other part together. That time was sweet - we both had tears and felt soft at where God has each of us individually and together. We left feeling tender and alive.

After church, I tried to take a picture of my handsome boy in his Easter suit. The tie never made it on and he was NOT going to give me a smile.
Um yeah. It was time to get the suit off and take a nap. Maybe next year I'll get the perfect picture of him that I was hoping for. *sigh* My poor baby.
After Tommy's nap time, we headed over to my in-laws for an Easter barbecue. Tommy got a hold of an egg shaped rice krispy treat and kept saying, "Mmmmm cookie!"
And then.....Oma's "Easter trunks" for the grand-kids outdid my little basket. Because who needs a measly old basket when you can have a trunk full of Easter goodies?!
It was full of books, candy, snacks, Elmo things, an outfit and colored bubbles.
Tommy loves his Oma. He knows she spoils him I think.
After dinner we had an Easter egg hunt for the kiddoes. Tommy actually caught on pretty fast and found a few eggs for his basket. He wasn't going to be outrun by his older cousins!
Then the silly began. Oh what fun you can have with those cheap, plastic Easter eggs. (This is Todd's brother, Brian).
Our Easter family photo this year.
One thing our kids will learn from us....not only HOW to be silly, but that being silly is not just for kids. Grown ups can be shamelessly silly too.
This is just plain scary. But, this picture reminds me of just how made for each other we are.
I love this man....
Over the weekend we planted two new trees in our yard since the others had died. We had to give them plenty of water and before you knew it.....
A water war commenced. Tommy had a BLAST.
He loves the water and had great fun.
Me? I totally lost. I instigated things by trying to turn the hose on Todd. And well. It didn't turn out like I had planned.The water fight was probably my most favorite part of the day. We were lost in laughter and playtime and enjoyment - all three of us. It felt like real life, maybe even life abundant that Christ tells us we can have. It felt like new life, like redemption, and like celebrating where we are together. It was the perfect way to end our Easter Sunday.

Easter Egg Cookies

To be honest, I think my idea for this originally came from my disgruntled-ness at the fact that I really wanted to go crazy and buy Spring/Easter decor for my house this year. And then I realized I couldn't, because in order to satisfy any kind of decorating itch, I would have needed to spend hundreds of dollars all at once to make things look festive like I do for fall and Christmas.

I know myself ya'll - and buying one or two things was simply not going to do. Plus my house is so not Easter colored and decorating would require a major overhaul of many items - and because I'm quite matchy, matchy, I can't do it any other way! And well, we simply don't have the funds for me going hog-wild with Easter decorations. Maybe at some point, I will start buying things on clearance and start decorating when I have enough things to put out so it can look cohesive. Someday. *sigh*

So. Because I couldn't scratch my decorator's itch, I decided to bake something fun instead! Baking is the next best thing if I don't have something to decorate!

I thought it would be fun to make some Easter egg sugar cookies for the upcoming holiday to give away to friends and co-workers this year.
I usually do all kinds of shapes for Christmastime. So only doing one shape, an egg, seemed a bit monotonous, but I had all kinds of ideas for different kinds of colors and designs I could do for egg cookies. I made pink, blue, green, yellow, lavender and white icing for the cookies and found some fun springy sprinkles.
Todd actually helped decorate a few with me - it was fun to come up with different ideas to make them look fun and Eastery!
The finished products!
I found some cute bags to put them in to give away - aren't they darling?
Maybe this will be a new Easter tradition every year. Or maybe just until I can afford to go on an Easter decoration shopping spree that is....

What are you doing this year to celebrate and make Easter fun?

My Journey Continues

Last night marked the ending of another semester of Grace Groups. This time though, I sat in the participant's chair rather than that of a leader. And it was good for me - I was thrilled to be able to participate in the second book.

The last night of group is known for a time for celebration.

Over the twelve weeks of the study we've had our stories up on the walls - quite literally actually. Our body outline is drawn and our stories are written out in visible, tangible words that leave you unable to forget what you bring into that room week to week. This was hard for me initially, and as the weeks went on, I began to soften and find more kindness for the outline of my body that I had to look at week to week.

To celebrate, I not only gave myself a face, but I wrote over my story in huge, all capital letters words of my true identity in Christ - like blameless, holy, washed, cleansed, pure, adopted by God, chosen, LOVED, and royalty as heir to the Kingdom of God. You could still see the other words - they are there. They are part of me and my story, but the words of truth of who I really am were large and clear and visible.

It was good.

One of the things I love most about the very last night of group is where we all clothe each other with words. Everyone has selected a word (or two or three) about each person in group - how we have experienced them, what we have seen, or maybe even a vision for them. Last night I was given words that felt new. And it filled me with hope to be given some "new" words that I hadn't received before in group.

Lighthouse, courageous beauty, passionate wrestler, venturesome, passion and alive. They all made me tear up and smile.

I head off to Michigan the week after next to participate in the second book again. Though we will go through it in a week's time. I am full of anticipation and excitement and some anxiety as well for what awaits me there.

A few weeks ago we sat in our group, and instead of listening to one of the leaders teach, we listened to a lesson taught up at SALTS in Michigan from last fall on a CD. The voice of the woman was familiar and hearing her tender tone as she began to speak about Kindness made me cry. My life has been changed because of this woman's impact on my heart, her invitation to Grace Group, and this ministry. My heart remembers her well as I reflect back on how I got here.

This ministry and these groups have been life-changing and life-giving for me. Below are just a few of the women from our group who have made a forever mark on my heart.
Thank you Lord for giving me life and bringing me back to it when I thought it was lost....