The Heart

I used to hate my heart for how it felt things that I wished it wouldn't feel. I hated how I couldn't seem to control it. And for how deceiving it was. Where it betrayed me and where I wished it wouldn't have loved so strongly and how I couldn't help it. And when it wouldn't stop hurting even when I tried to will it to heal somehow.

The heart is a curious thing. If my heart is this complex and full, how much more is God's full of mystery.

The hatred I've had for it (and myself for that matter) isn't there anymore. I even publicly wear a symbol of embracing myself and my heart because along the way I learned to embrace it and who God created me to be. My heart is what makes me uniquely me. God designed me to feel things deeply and I've come to be grateful for that.

Over the weekend I was reminded how big our hearts are. I felt a range of emotions in a matter of days that came in waves of intensity. Some in softer, quieter trickles of feeling that I may not have noticed unless I was paying attention.

Anger, forgiveness, joy, deep longing, heartache, sadness, thrill, excitement, jealousy, spite, peace, happiness, disappointment, frustration, love, tenderness, sorrow, grief, anticipation, elation, celebration.

I felt it all. It didn't crush me. I didn't buckle underneath the weight of emotions or feeling. Nor did I numb out with food or other vices in order to keep from feeling it all either. I have lived life for a long time allowing the things I felt to take me out. And not that they won't ever take me out again, but I've realized that it's possible to let feelings come and let them go again without doing damage to myself or keeping me in isolation for days or weeks at at time.

I'm in a new place of trusting God more with my heart more than I have before. Trusting Him in new ways somehow makes me less afraid to feel what comes. And if I can trust Him with my heart, than maybe I can fully trust His.