Sneak Peek

Sometimes we just need a break. Like the kind of break that can distract us or take our minds off of deeper life things for a little while. At least that's how I feel. I can only sit with things for so long and then I need to get off my butt and just do something else for a while. I felt that way somewhat yesterday. I worked from home, had coffee with my friend Paula and played with Tommy. And during his nap time I worked on some of my decorating projects around the house.

I also had dinner with my sister and ended the day by watching a very good movie with Todd. Yesterday was just an over all good day. And not just because I got to decorate.

I must say, it's quite hard to redecorate when I have to do it in very small hour and a half spurts of time. Between work and then being home with Tommy, all of my decorating projects are taking a major back seat and my house continues to remain in utter chaos. It's driving me nuts, but I'm managing better with it than I thought that I would.

However, I did get the dining room completed yesterday. Well, almost. Still a little tweaking to do here and there. I seriously stood in there for like ten minutes yesterday and just took it all in. I'm in love with how it looks and I'm kind of not missing my Texas theme at all.

And just a tiny little peek because I am all about doing a major before and after post on this whole thing.....All of this sprucing up and refinishing things around my house feels good for my soul right now. It's hard to explain. But I know that I feel the same way when I'm the kitchen preparing a meal from scratch. Something about watching things that I have envisioned become a physical reality feels like it's satisfying and feeding a very deep place inside of me.

Today, I am curious about why or how cooking and working on projects for my home, make me feel satisfied and fed in such a deep way.

Tears

I sang on worship team today and cried when we sang "It is well." It's kind of my favorite hymn ever, and because my heart felt so tender already, it felt even more meaningful than usual. And I decided it was okay that the congregation saw my tears.

The pastor spoke of hope today. I needed the words he had and I was grateful I didn't let the fact that Todd had to work today keep me from going to church alone. I cried through the last twenty minutes of his sermon.

I met Ellen in the hallway after service and more tears spilled out. The tears that I carefully contain inside of me until someone like her has the kind of eyes that when they ask how you are, you really tell them because they really want to know. "Your tears are a gift Jenn." She always tells me that. And I always appreciate the reminder.

When Paula hugged me and we made plans for coffee tomorrow, I cried because of how eager and excited she was in wanting to spend time with me.

My cousin's boyfriend said goodbye to Tommy and threw him up in the air, and it kind of felt like watching what "could be" between the two of them someday. I felt happy and sad and overwhelmed all at the same time. And I didn't want them to see me crying, so I held them back and swallowed them whole.

I got tired of crying and went for a "run" on the hill. It felt good to feel a burn in my legs and muscles rather than what had been aching in my heart all day long. But then the run was over and I cried on the drive home.

Todd and I talked about our anger tonight and how different mine looks from his. And I cried when I told him I was sorry for how nasty I could be.

Grammy and I talked on the phone tonight. I told her about how awesome church was and where I was needing prayer and encouragement. I gave her my tears even though she couldn't see them.

One of my oldest and dearest friends gave birth to their baby boy tonight - their second child. And they are fine and healthy and doing fabulously. And I cried and I'm not really sure why.

Today was the kind of day that needed a magnitude of tears.

A kiss to make it better

Tommy is at the age right now, where if he has a little fall or gets any kind of "boo-boo," that my kisses have some kind of magical power to make him feel instantly all better. I love that he comes to me with a little pout on his face showing me his latest ailment. He will say to me, "A kiss all better."

Pretty much melts my heart every single time.

So I give him a little kiss and he goes on his merry way. I love that he comes to me and asks for what he's needing. I love that he wants me to know of his pain, even as little or insignificant as it may be. I love that after I've given him a kiss, he has felt comfort and can return to playing and his little world feels okay again.

We all grow out of that at some point. I'm curious when it is we don't need mommy's kisses to make things all better anymore. I know it's a phase that most kids go through (and thankfully we grow out of it, because if my son were 13 and asking for my kisses to make his boo-boo better we would have a problem), yet I'm curious why it stops and when it stops.

And I've been curious about pain lately; what I do with it when I begin to feel it. My fleshly and almost natural reaction is to go to some kind of soother and find a way to cope with it. And this is where I have become caught up in addiction after addiction, time and again. My desire is to feel it, be alive to it, acknowledge it, and sit with it instead of trying to just cope with it. That's what I've done for years and it hasn't worked well for me.

This morning my heart is aching. Some dear friends of ours told us that they are moving away. And though we kind of knew this day was coming and there is much joy surrounding all of it too, I am still sad at the thought of one of my best friends not being here anymore.

Tiffany left. And now them. And my cousin will be gone next year. It feels like some of my closest friendships are being ripped away from me and things are changing. And I'll admit that I'm often all for change, until change costs me something like this. I'm sad at imagining life without all of these people here that I love so much. And it feels too gross to imagine or hope for what other relationships could look like yet. Because right now I just want to sit with what their absence will mean.

I guess as we grow, pain just looks different and it has to. We have to deal with it differently because pain goes beyond scrapes or scratches. Pain goes deep to the heart. It has a ripple affect on our lives and how we live and what we do when no one is looking. So for me, it means sitting with my sadness and just feeling this loss rather than running to something to help me cope. Pain continues to reveal my desperate need for God and it feels like He is all about wanting me to see that right now.

Though, I am kind of wishing there was a way a kiss could make it all better again.

Journey Back

The call came early in January. And it wasn't the call I was hoping for. It wasn't the call I had been wondering about since Christmas. It was another call. An unforgettable call from one of my closest friends.

"Aaron is missing, Jenn."

"He's missing? What does that mean, he's missing?"

"I don't know. I don't know a lot. I just know that the police have found his car in a ditch. There was some blood in it. But they don't know where he is. He's missing."

Even as I sit here to write about what that phone call felt like, the memories of what my body felt inside upon hearing such news is easy to remember. Feelings of confusion, dread, worry, fear, and terror.

For two whole days I spun inside of myself. I couldn't eat or sleep. I feared the worst and tried to hope for the best. Could he be found? Is he alive? My boyfriend. My Aaron. The one I love. The first one I've ever really loved and who loved me back. And in my gut, I already knew something awful had happened.

My friend called me back two days later. Remembering that conversation feels like a blur. "Dead. Found in a field. Stabbed to death. Dead." That was all I heard. I don't know how we even ended the conversation. Perhaps I hung up on her. And all I did for the next two days was sob. Aaron was gone. And he wasn't just dead. He had been murdered. And it felt like part of me died with him. Perhaps, because it did.

~~~~~~~

Yesterday, I sat across the room from a woman I've been meeting with for the past six months in regards to my eating disorder. She has asked me to journey back to this piece of my story. I've been surprised at how easy it still feels to remember those things. Though much of his face still feels fuzzy for me (I have no pictures or anything left of him), I still remember what it was that we shared together. I can remember what it felt like when he kissed my neck. I can remember the sound of his laugh. I can remember what it felt like for him to hold me as we fell asleep in each other's arms. It often haunts me, yet it's easy to dismiss at the same time.

After his death was when I began smoking. After his death was when my eating disorder went from more of a minor issue, to a full blown one. After his death was when I became almost desperate for men to notice me and love me - to make me feel like he had been able to.

I experienced trauma then. The trauma of his murder. The trauma of losing my first love. The trauma of experiencing death in this way. Its impact on my life and heart have reached far deeper inside of me than I've ever taken the time to acknowledge. It was all I could do then to just survive. My grief and depression swallowed me.

There is much in my young adulthood to journey back to. More trauma. More loss. More devastation. More violent places. And maybe to some it feels pointless or stupid or even unhealthy to dig up the past and drudge it up and sift through it.

But for me it's not pointless or stupid or unhealthy. It's necessary. It holds the key to freedom and healing. The process is hard and difficult, but I have found life in it and because of it.

I was told that as a person begins to recover from nearly a lifelong of disordered eating that many, many things begin to bubble up and come to the surface. Especially the things that food has helped to keep down for so many years. I've been experiencing this bubbling up over the last several weeks. And though Aaron has felt far from my mind, the trauma surrounding the memories of him and how I responded to it, hold the key to much of what my heart is feeling and holding right now.

And if I feel brave enough and vulnerable enough to write them, there will be more pieces of my story to share here as I begin to take this journey back....

Ultimately, journeying back always, always draws me closer to the One who has been writing grace into my story from the very beginning. And being close to Him is the only place I want to be right now.

Your Great Name

Currently, there is a song on the radio that I cannot get enough of. It's one of those songs I could listen to on repeat over and over again.

It speaks to my soul. It reminds me of the power that pulses through my veins because of who I know my God is and who I know I am because I am His. It comforts me when I'm feeling attacked or oppressed. It encourages me when I feel sad or down and the things around me feel like they are so big that they might swallow me up. It fills me with hope because God is who He says He is and my greatest hope is found in Him. It washes me over with unspeakable peace and joy.

I love it when a song has the kind of power to reach that far inside of me. I love that God has the ability to use things like music to minister to every single fiber and atom of my very existence. I am but a vapor and yet He so loves me.

Your Great Name. If you haven't heard this song, PLEASE have a listen. Some of my favorite lines of this song.....

"All condemned have no shame, at the sound of Your Great Name."

"Every fear has no place, at the sound of Your Great Name."

"The enemy has to leave, at the sound of Your Great Name."

"All the weak find their strength, at the sound of Your Great Name."

"The sick are healed and the dead are raised at the sound of Your Great Name."

This morning, this song came on the radio and I began to weep. Instead of singing the lyrics I began singing only His name - Jesus.

Prayers began to pour out of my heart and they are even still.

I feel like I'm stuck here. JESUS.
I can't do this. JESUS.
I'm scared and fearful. JESUS.
I feel knocked down and out for the count. JESUS.
I'm not strong enough. JESUS.
I'm so confused. JESUS.
I need help. JESUS.
I feel lonely here. JESUS.
I can't do this without you. JESUS.
I need you. JESUS.
I love you. JESUS.
I want you. JESUS.
Stay close to me. JESUS.
Your name IS great. JESUS.
I will praise you even now. JESUS.

His name feels like the answer to every prayer of my heart. Every desperate and pleading prayer has only one answer. His Great Name.

The power in His very name comforts my aching heart, it calms my fears, it sends the enemy away, it gives me rest, it gives me life, it gives me hope. His name is great. And this broken woman is lifting up His great name this morning in praise.

Redeemer. My Healer. Lord Almighty. My Savior. Defender. You are my King. JESUS.

Redecorating: A NOVEL

*This post is long. If you read the whole thing I'll give you a cookie. But you'll have to come over to my crazy-tore-up-being-redecorated house to get one!*

I was about twelve years old when my mom bought me a pair of sunflower shorts. They were off white and covered in sunflowers and I was pretty sure they were the best shorts EVER. Of course now, I wouldn't be caught dead in such a thing, but when I was twelve, and you know back in the '90's, they were totally awesome.

Perhaps I remember those shorts because I remember my mom telling me that my sunflower thing was just a phase and I would be over them and on to something else in no time. I insisted that it wasn't a phase. I even told her that my wedding would most definitely have a sunflower theme and when I grew up my whole house would be covered in them! It was kind of like, "I'll show you, mom!"

And yes. My wedding was sunflower themed. And yes. I grew up and decorated my house around my most favorite flower in the universe. Here's proof of that here.

Growing up I had sunflower everything. Sunflower earrings. Sunflower picture frames. Sunflower bedspreads. Sunflower perfume. I was a bit obsessed.

Sunflowers have long spoken to me though. They are bright and bold and kind of loud and so cheerful. They are still my most favorite flower to receive and they echo my heart and personality so well. I hope that they always will.

I've surveyed my home and all of my sunflowery things around me, it has started to feel a little less like the me that I am today. Like they are a part of me for sure, but yet they don't speak to the woman I am now. Now I'm 30. Life has changed and changed me along with it. And how I have used sunflowers in my decorating feels like the younger version of me. Maybe this only makes sense to me and I'm going a little deep into this whole floral admiration thing.

I guess what I'm trying to say is this; I've changed. And I want my home to reflect those changes somehow. And as a result, I'm wanting to scale back the sunflower motif.

As I've been thumbing through magazines and various "pins" on Pinterest, I've learned that not only do I love sunflowers, but I love hydrangeas. Like, I absolutely love them! And as I've thought about making plans for redecorating the house, my whole inspiration is centered around the colors and natural beauty of white and green hydrangeas.

I think one of the things I love most about decorating my home so much is that it's a reflection of my heart and who I am as a woman and my desire to create beauty in my surroundings. It's more than a need to "nest." It's like something in my soul that feels like it was designed to make things around me lovely and feel welcoming and inviting. And wanting to change things up feels like a ripple affect of some of the changes that have happened in my heart over the last few months.

The highest compliment for me is when someone comes to my home and tells me that it feels so warm and cozy and they just want to curl up on my couch and stay for awhile. That's exactly how I want my home to always feel. And as I make plans to redecorate, I want it to "feel" the same as it does now.

Though I am somewhat obsessed with Pinterest these days, it's more than that. It's felt like time to breathe some new life into my home. I've been kind of "over" some of the decor in my house for a while and didn't really know how to change things without spending money we don't have. And let us not forget that I have to incorporate antlers and mounted birds into my decor, which is incredibly challenging by the way.

Over the weekend, I got started on the deconstruction of things. I took down all of the sunflower stuff in the kitchen. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all of the chinky stuff that I don't plan on repurposing or making over.
Currently, my house kind of looks like this:
There is crap everywhere. I've taken everything decorative from our bedroom and living room and kitchen and dining and collected it all to see how I could rearrange things and just work with what I have. It's helped to just gather everything and form a plan from there.

I'll be honest. I don't do well when things are in transition. I suppose that could be true of my heart as well. I've always wanted to hurry things along so it would just be done, when some things just take time. Sometimes more time than you want it to. I have no idea how long it will take for things to look like I'm hoping it will at home, but I am hoping to be able to live and breathe well amidst the chaos as things feel unsettled and undone around me. At the moment I am incredibly disrupted and wondering if I'll regret this whole redecorating extravaganza.

I've picked a new color palate. Greens, creams and a pop of yellow in the living room. And the same for the kitchen/dining but with splashes of maroons too. There will be no more red, white and blue or Texas anything. *gasp* And the few sunflowery things I'm hanging on to will go in the living room instead of our kitchen and dining areas. And the hydrangeas....it's time to bring some into my home too!
I've given myself a very small budget. I mean, I'm not going out and buying new furniture or anything. I'm trying to work with what I have and throw in a few small new things here and there - hydrangeas being those "new" things. I have a few DIY projects I'm working on too.

For now I am a spray painting monster. And since I've never done anything like this before, I am learning the how-to's and how-to-not's. Like how not to spray paint candlesticks outside at night because you can't really see what you're doing.
They'll be okay though. One more coat and they'll look like I'm hoping they will. And for the record, the green I'm painting these candlesticks looks nothing like this picture.

I think as I spray paint and move things around and live in the transition phase of all of my redecorating projects, I will also be thinking of my heart and my story and where I have been impacted by change and transition. And where I am currently in life in regards to change and sitting in the midst of unsettledness too.

The era of my sunflower obsessions may have come to an end. Especially the I-have-to-buy-every-knick-knack-I've-ever-found-with-a-sunflower-on-it phase. But it's okay. I think it's time. My "phase" has had a good and long run, and I kind of like imagining my mom smiling me with that "I told you so" kind of smile.

Decorating always makes me miss her....

Half-Birthday

Seriously ya'll. If my birthday fell in the month of December much less on the actual day or close thereafter, it wouldn't have taken me long to have invented a different birth-day for myself. Maybe it's my personality and kind of being all about needing attention, but I don't know how December birthday people do it? I get a little miffed when spring break plans get in the way of my potential birthday celebrations. I don't think I could handle my birthday falling near Christmas.

I have a friend named Andrea who is such a person. Last December, quite close to Christmas, she casually mentioned to me that her birthday was coming up and it was a couple of days after Christmas. And she never really does much to celebrate because it's such a crazy time of year for people to try to do something birthday related in the middle of the holiday season.

And that was quite true. I was busy last December 27th. So I sort-of jokingly mentioned to her that we should celebrate her birthday in July. Because why not?

Little did she know until this last Saturday, that I was quite serious.
I surprised her with a fun night out to celebrate her birthday.

We went to the bowling alley first.

Where we played some awesome games - and even won tickets! And I was gravely disappointed to learn that the ski-ball game was out of order because I kind of rock at some ski-ball. And by the way, why do we call it ski-ball? .

Anyway. Oh yeah, tickets!
We went bowling - which super fun and made me wonder why I don't do that more often. We also noted that "high-fiving" is totally "cool" behavior when bowling. Though I kind of suck at bowling, I have a lot of fun trying. I did manage to get TWO strikes that night. Holla!

I also noticed that I twirl a lot when I bowl. What's up with that?
Anyway. We had fun celebrating her birthday in July. She was thrilled!
Later our friend Heather met up with us to have dinner.
There were movies and silliness later at my house. It's not a half-birthday without silliness.
I did tell Andrea that night that she should just change her birthday date on Facebook, and then it could be really official. And that she would from now on celebrate her birthday in July instead of December. Because if Facebook says something about you then it must be true. Right?
We had a fun night celebrating our friend's half-birthday! And maybe we'll have to do it again next year!