Ready and Waiting

Todd has been driving home since yesterday.  He's almost made it back to Texas and is still a good eight hours away, but knowing that he's closer to me than he was yesterday fills me with the kind of security that only having your husband close can give you.

I am about to head off to a doctor's appointment this morning which for some reason, I've had the gut feeling all week that this would be the one that would admit me to the hospital.  Even though things are scheduled for Tuesday, I've just had this feeling that the things that have been messing with my blood pressure would be more complicated.  I'm packing my bag as if I'll be staying in the hospital tonight.  And my feeling could be totally wrong, but at least I'm ready.  I've felt like I've had to be prepared for anything this time.  And I can't help it seeing as I remember very well how things went the first time.

As we've moved closer and closer to the day that we are going to welcome our second son in to our lives, I keep thinking about Tommy's arrival.  About the disappointment and heartbreak and joy that surrounded every moment of his birth and entrance into the world.  It didn't look how I had hoped. He had a minor issue with one of his lungs and it landed him in the NICU for eight days.  And though his time there was short, it was still difficult to go through.

After he was whisked out of the surgery room where I had an emergency c-section, the next time I saw him, he was covered in tape and tubes and IV's.  Even though I knew he was okay and would be okay, it wasn't how I had envisioned to see my baby, my firstborn.

The first time I held him will always be unforgettable.  Even though I was makeupless and unshowered and an emotional wreck, I asked Todd to take a picture and capture the moment that I first met my son and held him in my arms.  Two days later I finally got to feel his skin and kiss him all over.   Oh the tears that come thinking about these moments.

We have no idea what is in store for us over the next several days.  Of course I hope that Jacob won't be born with the complications that Tommy did - that he will be healthy and thriving and not have a need for extra care in the NICU.  That we get to all go home all together as a family rather than having to go home without my son, or him without me.  But whatever happens will happen and be as it ought to.  I only know that I have peace about all of it.  I know God loves and cares for us regardless of disappointment and heartbreak.

As I sit here with my healthy, smart, chatty three year old, I am reminded of God's goodness and faithfulness in all things.  That He creates life and gives good gifts because He is a very good God.  I remember what it was like to wonder if "mommy" was a role that God had in store for me.  And He did. 

Very much looking forward to becoming a mommy all over again. 

It's time baby...I can't wait to meet you son.

Excitement

I awoke this morning feeling excitement coursing through my veins.  It was in the air, knocking me over.  Literally.  We have wind gusts today over 40mph and like the wind full of gusto, I am feeling myself begin to ramp up at the realization that it's almost here.  The time for having this baby and holding a precious piece of Todd and I in my arms all over again.

Soon there will be a small bundle of baby boy filling the blankets and footed sleepers I have all ready for him.  My nursery is empty and waiting.  His bag is packed.  My arms are eager to hold him.

The exact day is a little fuzzy.  We have a c-section scheduled for Tuesday of next week, but things could still happen before then because of what has been diagnosed as "gestational hypertension."  Jacob seems to be doing just fine regardless of how my body is reacting.  But soon - he will be here very soon.

My beloved is due home a week from today.  I can hardly wait to wrap my arms around him and have him here for awhile.  I cannot even begin to think about saying goodbye again after Jacob is born.  Nor can I think about the giant weighty things like getting our house in order to sell and finding a realtor and starting the grueling process of packing boxes and preparing for the biggest move of our lives.  No.  For now, I'm only excited that my man will be here in real life next week and all there will be to do is enjoy each other and our family of four and our new son and God's good gifts.  Right here in beautiful Texas.

I'm also excited about the fact that I won't have to be wearing maternity clothes for much longer either.  I'm aching to wear my cute clothes again rather than the same outfits I've been changing out for the last several months.  And shopping.  Oh how I look forward to shopping!

Once my body is healed I'm looking forward to taking a walk and moving my body in the ways I haven't been able to in months.  I miss taking long, deep strides, burning up a sweat, and pumping my legs while climbing up my favorite hilly spot full of hiking trails.  Oh how glorious that first real walk will be!

I have friends coming to visit this week to keep me company, to pass the time as I wait.  Another wreath or two might be created as that seems to be a "restful" thing for me to do that passes the time.  While I'm hoping the week flies by, I'm trying to soak in the last few precious days of life as it is too. 

The excitement....it's mounting.

Questions and Answers

In the quiet lonely of every night I find myself trying to distract myself from the questions that are swirling around inside of me. 

What if all this time apart, this distance, this great uprooting of our lives together and all of this change tears us apart instead of bringing our marriage closer together?
 

What if I'm 'that weird one from Texas' and no one wants to be my friend because I'm too loud, or too southern or too weird or just too much?

The questions often revolve around my fears about what we're doing and how much is changing for us.  And this change - the one we have hoped for and prayed about for years - now that it's here and it's happening, it's come with a great measure of uncertainty. 

And I'm scared.

What if it's only me and my boys day in and day out every day....and what if I can't handle it?
 

What if we can't find a place to live? And what if we can't sell our home here?
 

What if Tommy resents Todd for all that we're doing and changing right now?
 

With every night that I sit alone in this big house that will soon be packed up and left, I sit there without the security and comfort of my husband beside me, the questions come.  Those horrible what-if questions about all of the unknowns before us, before me.  The questions about the harder parts of this process. 

What if it takes forever until we're able to all move up to North Dakota together and I have to continue like this, alone, for months on end?
 

What if we move up there sooner rather than later - before I feel ready to say goodbye and leave all of this behind?
 

What if everyone I know and love here forgets about me?
 

What if North Dakota never feels like home?
 

 

I try to drown them out by the sound of the television or in a book or movie.  And soon there will be a baby taking up that space.  But they are there.  Doubts, fears, questions and this great sadness that comes right alongside this great place of joy for us.   

Maybe it's because I know that not all of this is going to be wonderful and easy.  I know this will come with it's share of hard places and I am most certain that a move to North Dakota will also mean a season of loneliness for me.  I don't know how it couldn't.  I'm moving thousands of miles away from the only home I've ever known where the only people familiar to me will be my husband and my boys.  And Todd's extended family who I've never even met. 

It's not North Dakota's winter that I dread the most (though I am truly dreading that part) - it's the loneliness that is sure to come with this move.

My whole life has felt like this one huge attempt of trying to escape loneliness and not having to feel the weight and the hurt of it.  I have felt as though I am merely a product of other's neglect, abandonment, rejection and betrayal of my heart.  And while that is where Jesus has met me and healed me and brought me to life, the wounds remain.  They are part of my story and who I am.  I'm scared that if I leave all that is familiar to me behind, I'll revert to old ways.  Because it has been in my loneliness that I've done the greatest damage against my soul, my body, my heart.  It's been the place where I most often agree with evil. 

What if depression or anxiety or addictions return because of all that is changing?
 

I think my greatest fear about this change is that I will return to those places.  That I haven't healed or grown past what I can do to myself in the midst of loneliness.  Perhaps I am most afraid of myself.  And that the God that feels so near to me now will disappear as I leave Texas and everything dear to me behind.

~~~~~

I wrote that in the middle of the night this week - in my sleeplessness and loneliness because my body aches and I'm miserable and I desperately miss my husband and just want to feel his arms around me.  I'm needing God in ways and in places I never thought I would have to need Him.  And while it hurts, I'm grateful for the spaces He has invited me to more with Him too.

As I've sat here in the light of this beautiful Sunday, sun streaming through my window, warming my face, I want to wrap this up neatly and end it with something beautiful or hopeful because there is so much of me that knows and believes in a very good God who is faithful and loving and that this journey will be both amazing and hard.  But I can't wrap it up because what I'm feeling is messy and complex.  And if I leave it undone and out there and messy, someone will try and wrap up for me.  To try and make me feel better or assure me of something, because it's what we do when someone else is feeling something big and we don't have answers.  That usually leaves me feeling missed and angry.

In the days, the weeks and months to come, life is going to feel messy and undone.  Unsettled and chaotic even.  I'm going to want to pack up my feelings as neatly and orderly as my house and I don't really want to do that.  And I'm aware where others might want to do that for me and I need to have grace for those as much as I hope others can have grace for me and where I am too.

And so, here I am.  Sitting with questions and in goodness and taking all of this as it comes.  Writing about this new piece of my story and a new season of life in a place that I have thoughtfully titled Seasons and Stories.  I want to tell it and share it - even the undone places that still don't have answers. 

To the few and faithful who read....thanks for joining me.

And the rest continues

Life goes by pretty slowly when the only thing on your agenda is waiting for a baby to arrive.

Well that, and blowing bubbles of course.  Which was yesterday's big outing seeing as I'm on bedrest and very confined to the house.  The day was so gorgeous that we spent quite a while in the backyard.  We blew bubbles, he sat in his plastic pool and begged to go swimming, and then he got out his toy tools and proceeded to build what he called a "chicken house" out of the firewood we had stored out there.  I love the imagination this boy has.

There was also some rocking out.  And seriously, I couldn't be prouder.  I hope I can instill a good measure of my love for all things loud-music in my children.  I think it's safe to say that Tommy's got it down.

I wake up everyday around 4:00am.  And that's after going to bed at the awesome hour of midnight.  Apparently I can't sleep without my husband.  And also, my belly feels giant and there's only a certain kind of comfortable you can get when you're sleeping with an over seven pound baby inside of you.  (At least, they say he's over seven pounds).

Also, am I the only one who doesn't watch Downton Abbey? 

It's basically spring here in south Texas - and I'm all about it.  I've never been one for winter and frigid temperatures or having to use my heater.  But I've been very aware that this is probably the very last February that I'll be sitting outside enjoying cool breezes and warm sunshine and big Texas skies.  Reality and moving away is slowly starting to sink in.

It was -18 where Todd was yesterday.  I cannot even begin to imagine cold like that.

It feels very weird to not be working - though I feel like I'm just on maternity leave or something and I'll be going back soon.  For the moment, the only thing I'm missing about work is the occasional Starbucks I would stop and get myself.  I don't miss traffic.  Or filing.  But I'm thinking once the new normal really does set in, I might miss it.  Even the traffic.

My friend went to the store for me yesterday.  My Grandparents came over and visited for awhile.  Last weekend, friends from church came and took Tommy to the playground so he could get out and DO something.  And my phone is blowing up with text messages from people constantly checking in on me.  I'm feeling very remembered and loved even though I'm home-bound and have actually been following my doctor's orders to REST. 

I see the doctor again tomorrow morning and we'll see what happens.  There is a very good chance I'll be admitted and be having our boy very, very soon.

Happy Wednesday.  I hope that somewhere in your day there is rest.  And bubbles too.

Bedrest

Today's big excitement was all about not being admitted to the hospital.  I'm still waiting on test results for one more thing and could very well be admitted tomorrow.  But for tonight, I'm in my own home and my own bed and Jacob is safe and sound right where he is - in my tummy.  Though my blood pressure is having issues, he seems to be doing fine as we monitored him for half an hour this morning. 

But to be honest, this whole bedrest bit is getting hard.  Partly because I have the nesting bug and I can't nest.  Even if I wanted to break the rest rules and organize a cabinet or clean my windows, I physically cannot - my back and hips are in that bad of shape.  And partly because I'm lonely and am starting to feel cooped up.  Though I am truly trying to enjoy these moments of rest and quiet and the time I'm having with just Tommy and I, it feels hard too.  And I'm pretty sure the fact that I'm no longer working hasn't really sunk in just yet.

I was able to sit and make something though - a Christmas present for my friend, though obviously quite late.  She wanted an everyday wreath for her door and I love how the random color combination turned out on this one.

It's weird to think that I'll have more time for this.  All of this.  Making wreaths.  Writing.  Organizing cabinets and cleaning windows once my body is back to normal.  Playing and spending time with my boys.  I updated my "job" on my Facebook profile.  I listed that I work at home as a mom/Domestic Goddess (a term coined by my awesome friend Mal)/writer.  I'm not a bookkeeper anymore.  I'm just me.  Weird.

And me is on bedrest until this baby is born.

Perhaps it feels hard to enjoy it at the moment since I'm not driving or going anywhere or getting out of the house other than to see the doctor.  I know it will pass, but these last several days have felt challenging in their own right.  And not having Todd here in the midst of it adds to the ache.

I don't want to sound complainy.  I am really trying to embrace this short season where I'm resting and it's just Tommy and I.  But I'm feeling the void of what isn't there too.

Tomorrow's agenda?  More resting.  And probably not more wreath-making because I have somehow run out of hot glue.  And hopefully staying out of the hospital for a bit longer too.

Trusting in the dark

"Do not be discouraged by the fact that many of your prayers are yet unanswered. Time is a trainer, teaching you to wait upon Me, to trust Me in the dark."  (From the devotional Jesus Calling, by Sarah Young.)

 

Trust Me in the dark. 

The dark.  Trust God when I can't see.  When I can't know.  When I can't understand and it's not clear or settled.  If there is no darkness, there is no place or need for me to trust God in the first place.  And I thought that's what I've been doing for the last month.  Ever since we got this call about North Dakota and the new job, our lives have been turned upside down.  But maybe that was just the beginning.  The preparation for more.

Because how quickly things can change in one day's time.  One moment you have plans and dreams  all specifically laid out, and then life happens and all of these carefully orchestrated moments you are counting on suddenly flutter away as easily as dandelion wishes. 

I got some bad blood pressure news on Thursday afternoon when I went to see the doctor.  The same day Todd drove back up to North Dakota to continue with work.  I went from having a plan about what the next few weeks were going to look like, to packing up my box of things at the office and making notes for my replacement.  I've been at home resting ever since.  On Monday morning I go back to the doctor - if my blood pressure is still high, I'll be admitted to the hospital to be monitored for 24 hours.  And depending on how that plays out, Jacob could be born next week.

My doctor looked me in the eye and told me to come with my bag packed.  He is expecting to admit me.

Not exactly what I was planning or hoping for.  And definitely not how I wanted any of this to go.

Trust Me in the dark, He says again.

To say that I'm a bit overwhelmed and scared would be an understatement.  In the last day and a half I've been forced to slow down in the ways I've been resisting to for weeks.  I've been faced with some of the very things I've feared would happen - another round of preeclampsia, a baby born early, Todd missing Jacob's birth, my Robin not being back from vacation in time to be in the c-section room with me, our finances and Todd's new job not being in order....and on and on and on.  I have felt forgotten by God and wondering what trusting Him is supposed to look like when I only feel deserted.

It seems that it's when we are in the dark though, the very place I have felt deserted and forgotten by Him, is the very place He stands and waits.  That is the place He is inviting me to trust Him with my heart.  Not when I can see or know or be assured that everything is going to work out, but when I don't know that it will. 

So here I am in these places that feel HUGE, where I am being asked to trust a God that I've never been able to see, but have always known was there.  I've experienced Him and His love and presence in my life - I'm changed because of it.  But trust.  Trust is different.  It's always been hard to trust Him with anything really because I only want to trust God if only good things happen to me. And that's not how He allows for life to unfold for me - or anyone for that matter.

Trust Him with the outcome.  Trust Him with who is or who isn't there at the time of Jacob's birth.  Trust Him with my body and what the last few weeks of pregnancy seem to do it.  Trust Him with our finances and Todd's job and having no control over any of it because I'm done working a whole week earlier than I had planned.   Trust Him with all of it.  Can I do that?  And what does that look like?

For the moment, I don't really know - maybe because I've never trusted God that way before. 

But I have tried to take all of this moment by moment.  I've thanked Him for the rest that He has provided me.  I've asked for prayer and for help.  I've had friends run errands and asked people to come over and just be with me so I don't feel so alone since I'm bound to the house.  I've accepted that whatever happens on Monday will happen - I can't control it.  Other than resting like my doctor told me to, there isn't much I can do to control how life and blood pressure and circumstances will play out. 

Is this trust?

I've looked back on my history with God and where He has shown up.  How I made it through my first son's birth and a NICU stay and preeclampsia and how all of that came to an end and life was lived in it and after it.  How we've always been able to pay our bills and have what we need even if it was tight.  In the heat of overwhelming circumstances I've always been easily convinced that God isn't there or that He has somehow stopped caring.  But really, He was there and was in it even if I couldn't see Him.  And if that's true, what is also true is that He is here in all of this too. 

I'm in the dark.  I can't see. 

But He isn't.  He isn't in the dark, and He does see.  And for now, that is where I am resting.

It's not just for lovers

I couldn't be home this morning to make heart-shaped pancakes for Tommy.  But I did have a bag of goodies waiting for him when he woke up today.

Valentine's Day isn't just for lovers.  Though you couldn't have convinced my teenage self of that.  I remember hating this day when I was younger, because all of the girls with boyfriends at school flaunted their balloons and flowers and chocolates and it only seemed to highlight my patheticness about how I could never snag a boyfriend.  And I have some major trauma due to the annual carnation hand-out in middle school.  *sigh*

But this day is about celebrating all kinds of love - not just the romantic.  It's for celebrating friendship and parents and children too. 

Todd and I exchanged cards after midnight and I opened some sparkly things from him too.  It was a bittersweet exchange as he left in the wee hours of the morning to begin his long drive back up to North Dakota for work. 

I did have a little boy to look forward to this morning.  My sleepy face, eyes-closed-smile boy.  My littlest Valentine.  At least until his little brother arrives.

I got him a bag of goodies.  A couple of "cool" shirts and some candy, a toy truck and stickers.  Just a few little things to celebrate Valentine's Day and remind him that he is loved and celebrated on a day like today.

 Any day that starts with a lollipop is going to be a very good day if you're three probably.

This evening, I'm having two of my girlfriends come over for dinner.  We'll celebrate our friendship and the love that ties us together.  And we won't be alone on a day that can feel very lonely if your husband is far away or if you're still waiting to meet yours. 

Happy Valentine's Day.  Hope you all celebrate all of the loves in your life today!

Two Days

He walked in the door at almost 1:00am Tuesday morning.  I wrapped my arms around him and felt his embrace and didn't want to let go again.  For two days - he was and is all mine.  It's amazing how I am able to sleep better because he is near me again.

Even though it's a short 48 hours, I needed this time.  I needed him.  I needed his face and his warmth and his nearness.

And so did Tommy.  He is thoroughly enjoying having his daddy back.  Though I'm dreading tomorrow and how he will be gone again when he wakes up in the morning.  I'll be left to care for my hurting, confused three year old that can't fully grasp what is going on, what we're doing and why we are not all together as the family he has always known.  Why dad has to be in North Dakota and not here.  And how I don't have the answers as to when we will be all together again - permanently - either.

We had some alone time together last night.  We sat at Chili's and started dreaming over our Dr Peppers - about where we might live and what we needed to do to get the house sold.  What life might be like in this place I've never been to.  The possibilities and and things we can do - like how he will be able to take the boys hunting for snow geese and pheasants and white-tail deer.  How we can build snowmen and make snow angels in the winter and enjoy windows-open weather far more often there than we ever could here.  Though my heart has begun aching for all that I will be leaving behind, to dream with my husband, to really dream about things that are really happening for us - it felt really, really good.

Tomorrow morning, long before the sun rises, he will be gone again.  Driving back up to this place without us to continue training and work and making plans and preparations for his family.  Leaving us, leaving me behind on Valentine's Day.  It's hard and I feel sad.  Dreading the lonely that will once again fill the house with his absence.

But the rest of the day.....the rest of the day, he is here.  He is ours.  He is with us.  And I'm grateful to have this little bit of time.

Showered

The theme was "story."  As soon as I saw dozens of children's books sitting on tables and shelves, it made me smile.  Being showered again, but this time for our second little boy.  Reminded of my story and how it continues to unfold and be written out and how having another baby is another glorious chapter in that story.

Stories - how I love them.  How I love to read them and listen to them and tell them and write them.  I am always thinking about story, especially the stories that I have a hand in writing for my boys.  Creating memories and giving words and filling pages with the story of their home and life and childhood.  It's such a big thing, more than a responsibility.   All of it, every good and wretched part is glorious and how I long for both of my sons to have stories full of life lived fully and parents who modeled that for them. 

My baby shower was thrown by my sweet cousin-friend and a dear girlfriend who both know my heart well.  And "story" was the most perfect theme choice. The sweetest gift was a book for Jacob that was signed by friends near and far to remind my little boy how much he is loved and was loved long before he even arrived.  As I sat and read the inscriptions last night, I wept at the goodness of it all.

Being an avid party-thrower, I especially loved the decorations.  Mal cut out pages of old books into circles and covered paper lanterns with them.  So creative and such a fun idea for the shower too!

I registered for the essentials - things that I got rid of or ran out of or needed again.  I was so blessed to receive dozens upon dozens of diapers, burpcloths, washcloths, bibs and bottles.  We only need to make one small shopping trip to pick up a few items and I'm officially as prepared as I could possibly be to welcome little Jacob into our lives and our home.

Tommy opened everything for me and was quite helpful.  It was fun thinking about my last baby shower - how it was for him and how I was so excited to be a mom for the first time.  And here is my big boy, opening new gifts for his little brother.  All of it felt surreal somehow.  It's almost here - this baby, this new chapter of life.  I'll be a mom of two boys - oh how life is about to change!

I slacked in the picture-taking department, but thankfully a friend captured a few for me.  I love where I can see pictures of myself and not hate what I see.  Even with my big pregnant belly and all.  I know where I've worked hard and not gained weight and taken care of myself.  It's easier to be kinder to me and that wasn't the case a few years ago when I was carrying Tommy. 

Mostly, I was blessed by all of those who came and showered me with not just gifts and baby essentials, but with their faces and their presence for me.  I was touched by every woman who came to celebrate Jacob.  Family and friends, both old and new, came and showered loved on me yesterday.  How I am blessed.

And now I wait.  I grow and anticipate and dream and rest as these last few weeks of pregnancy are here.  Before I know it, our sweet baby boy will be in my arms.....and I can hardly wait to be there to watch his story begin.

Friday gratitude

God's provision and how it's always enough.

A short day at work this week that enabled me to stay home and rest my ailing back most of the day.

Skype - being able to see my husband, Tommy's daddy, over a computer screen.  It's not the same and yet it's getting us through a hard time.

Friends.  The kind that come over and help me with my laundry and scrubbing of bathrooms or come over just to keep me company because they know the evenings are the loneliest.

My silly boy who renamed himself "Steve" the other day and kept calling me "Steve's mom."  

His Ironman moves.

Good baby check-ups and a doctor who is proud of me and how I've taken care of myself in this pregnancy. 

Thirty-five weeks - getting closer to the finish line.

Love and support and good words from my Robin.

Music that ministers to my soul.

A husband who loves me and takes care of me, even from far away places like North Dakota.

Sarah.

The opportunity to pray for Tommy when he wakes up from bad dreams.

A baby shower for Jacob this weekend.

Strength and how it seems to come out of nowhere, especially when I fear that I have none left in me.

~~~~~~

 The week has come with it's difficulties and challenges.  Every day contains a measure of tears and exhaustion.  But I'm getting through all of this as it comes, feeling grateful for those that are surrounding me, loving on me and taking care of me in Todd's absence.  Today the sun is shining and it feels like spring.  In all that my heart is carrying and even where things feel hard or heavy, I am truly thankful for all that I have in the midst of all that is changing.

This day

I was wide awake at 4:00am this morning.  My big, rugged man that is usually beside me to make me feel safe, to reach out to and touch and take the ever present feeling of loneliness away, is ever absent.  Even though we talked face to face via Skype for almost two hours last night, the void he has left is palpable.  

Tears come easily morning, noon, and night.  They come when I let myself feel how much I love and miss him and rather than push those feelings down, I let them come.  I let myself cry and miss him and grieve as I feel all that is changing and unraveling.  All that we are both losing and gaining in this.  

I've decided there is strength in tears instead of pretending that I can handle all of this.  Because I can't handle it.  I don't want to toughen up and swallow my tears away and act as though I've got this.  I'm weak and needy, and that's okay.  I can live and breathe and feel and cry out to God through it. 

This man - the one I wanted to give up on and quit only a year ago - I thought I knew how much I loved him.  I thought I knew what it meant to need him and want for him.  But the past week has felt like an eternity and yet we have only just begun this season.  Our time apart is still early and there are many more days and weeks and perhaps months to come where I must live day-to-day through phone calls and text messages and computer screens.  

If anything, the last week has shown me that I love him and want him and need him far more than I thought I did.  That he is more to me than someone I share my bed with, whose name is next to mine on our checkbook, or some cute guy that gave me an impossibly gorgeous diamond ring.  We do life together and at the moment, how we're doing life together doesn't feel very togetherish. 

It's interesting how absence really does make the heart grow fonder.  When one of the greatest gifts you've ever been given isn't in front of you every single day, you begin to appreciate and remember more of who they are and why you love them so much.   He really is an extraordinary man - with all of his faults and flaws, he is still my beloved.

Everything in me - my heart, my body, my mind - all of it, aches for him and I find myself wanting to speed up life so that we can be together again.  Not just as a family, but as one - the one he and I make as two.  

I see the obstacles that stand in our way and they feel big.  Will our home sell?  Will we find a place to live in North Dakota, crowded by all of the business that has boomed up there?    How many more lonely days and sleepless nights and reaching for my man who isn't there?  

I spin and I spin.

And will I be able to say goodbye to my family and my friends and a city and lifestyle I have known for these thirty-two years without falling to pieces?  Can I really do this?   Is the love we share great enough to leave all of these other loves behind? 

I spin and I spin again.

Then I breathe deep.  I remember that it's just this day - this very one, where I still go to work and care for Tommy and care for myself and the child inside of me.  This day, where I reside in Texas and enjoy February's spring and sunshine filled skies.  This day where I miss my husband and live with this ache - this day, this gift, this is where I am.

The big nursery reveal

With Todd gone, I'm trying to occupy myself and my mind with other things - otherwise I'll sit and cry all day long.  Seriously.  So, over the weekend I finished the last project in the nursery and it's officially complete.  Now, I just need the things I need - like a baby monitor and a diaper genie and bottles and a clothes hamper.  But the decor part is finished anyway and I couldn't be more thrilled with how it turned out.

Maybe it's a bit impractical to do a whole new nursery for the second baby.  But, who ever called me practical anyway?  Probably no one - says my closet full of shoes.

I knew I wanted this nursery to be soft, simple and boyish with touches of bright color and pops of my craftiness.

Welcome to Jacob's nursery!

This is my favorite space.  Todd made the little shelves for me out of some scrap wood we had.  I found the perfect nick-nacks to place on them as well as some fun wall frames that are just waiting for pictures of our little guy.  Everyone asks me about the giant clothespin - I found it at Hobby Lobby - bought it half price of course.

 

The crib was given to us by some friends in a honey oak color.  Todd repainted it white and I love how clean and classic it looks.  I made both the mobile (from Tommy's old one) and the name above his crib - both easy ideas I swiped from Pinterest.  I found the sweet alphabet bedding at JcPenney.

 

 

I found a used changing table online.  Though it was already white, we touched it up anyway.  I love the muted color of the sheer curtains and the banner I made using ribbon and felt.  Another super fast and easy project.

 

And the dresser - yes I wanted it this orange!  It was the big pop of color I was hoping for.  The great thing about paint is that you can paint over it again and again.  I'm almost postive this dresser will not stay orange forever.  I was mostly excited to find the lamp with the clear base.  The base of it comes undone making it easy to fill it with whatever you like.  I chose alphabet blocks and put a touch of trim on the lampshade.  His month by month frame waits for his sweet face too!

I love that it's soft and baby and all boy - it makes me happy just to go stand in there and take it all in.  I'm feeling very pregnant and very ready to have this baby!  My diaper stash and sleepers are waiting for him!

 

His bag is even packed and ready to go. 

We've made room for you and prepared for your arrival with much excitement little one.  We can't wait to meet you!

When you're three

So much of me wishes I could make Tommy understand what we're doing.  That his daddy is being braver than he has ever been - starting over with a job and career at the age of 43 and risking so much so that he can provide for his family and create the life we have always dreamed of having together.  That we are trusting God with our finances and our lives and our livelihoods and every minute detail because we believe He has led us here - to begin this new adventure where we are stripped of ourselves and the control we thought we had and are completely dependent on Him and quite literally walking by faith with every passing day.

But when you're three, all that really matters is if daddy is home and is there to read you books and take you to look at trucks and have tickle fights with you.  There is no "big picture" when you're three.  I can't rescue his heart and I can't make him unfeel whatever he is feeling.  Perhaps that's the hardest part - knowing that what we're doing comes at a cost for all of us - especially our boys.


I brought my little man to work with me this morning though.  I couldn't bear to drop him off at his home daycare place AGAIN as the last two days have produced meltdowns of epic proportions.  He needed me and I need to be at work, and thankfully my employers allow for the occasional bring-your-child-to-work-day.

He's had a rough week and I'm praying for as much patience and kindness to love him well.

Week one....almost done.